Feelings (now)

When words don't come out, you paint a picture. 

Confidently Beautiful with a Heart ♥

This is funny! (sorry) I know this is not probably meant to be funny for whoever sent it but it is for me. LOL. If you're trying to hurt me or piss me off, that would be the least thing that would make me feel bad, because that is the last thing I worry about in my life. Although, I am intrigued as to who this person is. I must have pissed the hell out of her that she decided to create a dummy Facebook account just to tell me I am ugly. LOL. I figured that this person was a "she" because I checked her profile and Facebook said "-She- changed -her- profile picture". well, as they say "Haters gonna hate!". 

For the record, I do not care how you think I look like because first of all, I do not wake up in the morning for you (it's for my sons) and of course, I do not dress up for you or for anyone else. I dress up, I try to make myself beautiful for- ME, it's for self satisfaction. What matters to me is that when I look in the mirror, I smile and feel contented with what I look like and not feel sorry for myself. If I get compliments for looking good then I am thankful (super!). If someone says I am ugly, then I am ugly. I am not very insecure about that part of my life or personality. I know I need to enhance my outward appearance- like plucking my eyebrows, putting on moisturizer and powder, lipstick and some cheek tint.  I get stuff that I can afford. I don't borrow or worse steal just so I can achieve the look that I want. I am not disturbing anyone else. These are all mine, therefore, I will use it for my own pleasure.

Also, ever since I came to know the world, I've always loved dressing up. Even at a young age I was concious as to what goes well with what- like colors that match, shirt sizes that go with pants or shorts or skirts, printed over plain, shoes for certain occasions and outfit, which bag to pair for the occasion or the outfit and even the accessories that I wear depends on the place and color of my outfit and shoes. Before I actually dress up and put on stuff, I assess if they go well together and if it's appropriate for the  occasion and location that I'm going to. I don't go by just knowing which one I like. For example, I will wear these pants because I like it, I will pair it with my favorite blouse and I will wear my favorite sandals- What if the colors don't go together? Or what if the blouse isn't meant to be paired with pants because of its cut and length? And what if the sandals doesn't go well with pants and how about the color? I consider all of those stuff in dressing myself up and I enjoy it. Again, let me reiterate it, it's for my self fulfillment.

It ain't too bad actually :)

Admittedly, most of my self confidence come from the outfit that I've put on together- I mean, how comfortable I am with how I look. Of course, I want to look presentable. I believe that your outfit or outward appearance says a lot about you. It's your identification. So I choose it carefully. AND AGAIN, it's for my own satisfaction, not for anyone else. 

So, if you think I'm ugly- that I look like a horse, my chin is long and my eyes are big, then that is totally okay with me. I have accepted my face wholeheartedly that I am not intimidated by its flaws. 

You see, life is not a beauty pageant, that you would need to have that perfect face or perfect body. You just need to be happy and contented with what you have. Enhance what you can and accept what you can't. Simple as that. What matters is what comes out of your mouth because whatever comes out of it is what's inside your brain- what you think about. And what you think about defines who you are as a person, it shines through. Because your heart and your brain always coincides. They may sometimes disagree but they often compromise. So, no matter what you wear, even if you wear the most expensive designer clothes, shoes or make up, you will still not be contented because your heart isn't happy. Contentment comes from happiness, I guess. When you're happy with the way things are of course you feel contented. I mean contented in a way that you don't push things too hard, that you're still aware that there's a bigger world out there and there are a lot of opportunities but you keep your feet on the ground, wait for your turn and just be happily steady with where you're currently at.

If you would have said something about my attitude, it would probably give me a different impact. I might pause and reflect my actions but trying to hurt me by insulting my physical appearance, isn't really going to affect me. So, try harder next time. LOL :P

Because you know what when life puts me through challenges this is what I do:

PS: You forgot about my forehead! LOL

Acceptance is a Must!

I had a realization early today, Kase I was thinking, all these backstabbing has already been going on long before I even knew about it. I, unfortunately, was the last one to know. Had it not because of this new girl (Matabil and sorry to say but she cannot be trusted at all, she just can't help spilling beans), I wouldn't have probably known about it. I would have been okay with it because what I do not know won't hurt me. Anyway, I cannot do anything about it anymore because what's done is already done. 

So, instead, I am accepting it. I wll accept things as they are. You can hate me all you want but it doesn't mean that I have to hate you back. Hating is negative and it's not what I want for myself. I don't want to dwell on something that cannot help me pay my bills and of course with providing for my children. I want to always choose positivity to nourish my heart and soul. I need to always take care of myself first so I can take care of my children. 

If I were in your shoes [backstabber], I would wonder why I always look at the flaws and fail to see/appreciate what's good. You are actually missing out. You may have all the things that the world can offer but you don't see it because your heart is filled with negative energy which eradicates the purpose of your blessings. Life is short, don't spend your time stressing on what others decide in their lives. Don't confuse it with being concerned, because when you truly are concerned, you should have scolded and confronted the person involved rather than talk behind their back. Aside from not being heard, you are depriving yourself from knowing the truth. 

But then again, that is your choice. And I have no "choice" but to accept it and live with it. From now on, I will do my best to not be affected on whatever you throw at me. God sees my intentions and he knows that I do not mean any harm to anyone, so I won't be shaken. 

Thank you Lord for giving me a heart that is able to appreciate life despite its many challenges =)

The Start of 2016: Mood Swings

It has been 13 days (lucky number lol) since 2016 came. So far it has been chill. Except for some scenarios here in the office. I felt kind of demotivated but all is well now. I can manage. It's only in the office anyway. I only get to stay here for 8 hours. Akala ko madali lng. But really it isn't. 

I wrote this in my notepad yesterday:

She's succeeding. [Is she really?] I think. I mean, she's succeeding with cutting me off the group. It hurts. Why is it so easy for these people to believe all the paninira? Every time I want to start talking and opening up, I start to feel the lump-like painful swell in my throat. I want to just cry and disappear. If it weren't for my kids, I would have just ran away. I need this job (more than anyone, I think). I am a single mom and I fear losing my bread and butter. That is what I am more concerned of more than anything else in the world. 

No matter how I tell myself to ignore, sometimes it still affects me. It's hard to be sitting here and not wanting to say anything. While they are enjoying, I don't feel like saying anything. I just want to be quiet because I think/feel they are strangers. It's hard to trust people now-a-days. There are times that I wanna transform into "Hulk" and smash everyone and everything that goes my way.

It is my fault, I think, because I ignored it. So whoever is making panira had the chance to actually drill a deeper hole. Damn it! Bakit ba kase?

--

That is exactly what I felt at that moment. And now things have changed. I used to defend girls every time they say that girls are really hard to deal with. But having wrote this blog. I think they're right. LOL. It's not that I don't understand myself. It's just that I can see how girls' mood or perception change. It's kind of funny but I've learned to live with it. 

I have to blame it to the female hormones. I think by this time I'm ovulating that's why I'm really very moody. These are the times when I take jokes seriously (Oh my, oh why?).. nakakahiya mang aminin but it does happen to me quite often. Unfortunately, due to some awful experiences in the past, when it's painful, I walkout. I don't want to self destruct once again. 

Anyway, like I said, the moods have changed once again. I am happy today. LOL. I know I am cute but I could get a little psycho sometimes. Hahaha. See you can tell how happy I am with the number of "LOL" and "hahaha" I have in this blog and right before I end it, I get to be emo again. (naaahhh)

Today, my realization is that I really don't need to fight that hard. Why don't I just let things be. Whatever happens I should always maintain my cool and be happy with my life. People who hurt me are just fractions of it but it's not my entire life. So I can definitely move on and still be happy. Wow. Positive pa more! Totoo na man eh, people who treat you badly should also be given the same treatment. Not that you would also oblige yourself to act the same way because you're not like them. Instead, you can turn the other cheek and always be on the positive side. Best of all, they don't need to be given much importance. Oh hala sige, oplan pagaanin ang loob!

So let's do the currently:

Reading

Tiger horoscope. Last year I was told that 2015 will be abundant in terms of money but it doesn't seem so? Please don't get me wrong. I still feel blessed. It's was just kind of exaggerated in my 2015 horoscope.

Writing

My blog :)

Listening 

to "Be with you" By Akon. Oh my! The lyrics so kilig. We were just eating casually at McDonals (thanks for sponsoring lol). He just mentioned out of the blue that he liked this song and I was kind of teasing him that he's "Ume-akon". I've always loved rock and I think Akon is so mainstream RnB (Naks!). BUUUTTT When I listened to the song, my jaws dropped and my heart melted instantly. I was so touched and I felt sooo LOVED :) (Whooo~ Regine)

Thinking

About him- reminiscing the "Akon" moment we had at McDonalds. You see, he's not really expressive in words. He's not as mushy as I am. Malamang, lalaki siya. But in all honesty, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal niya at pag aalaga niya. Even Richard never gave me the same treatment. He's always checking on me and always making sure he knew where I was. Minsan nakakainis that it seems as if he doesn't trust me for always asking details like- where I am, who's with me and all. He would even listen to the background (the surroundings) when he's calling me and would make me hang the phone while I am making chika or doing whatever I'm doing so he can listen. Dba parang walang tiwala? But for me it is also an indication that he's afraid of losing me. Talaga lang ha? Baka na man nabubulagan lang ako? But he's not nagging at all. He just wants to know. I understand cuz he was once in a toxic relationship. I am not hiding anything from him naman so he can listen whenever he wants to. 

Smelling

My hair. It's one of my mannerisms. I like doing it. I like smelling my hair and sometimes I hate it when I go to the karenderya, it would smell like food or worse smoke. Ang arte dba? Naka karenderya na man. LOL. I just put cologne to get rid of the smell =)

Wishing

I literally stared at the ceiling and made a deep hugot. Of course, I wish for things to always be good. I wish that we will always be this strong and that we will always be good parents to our children. (NAKS! Mag asawa?) Well, as they say never be with someone whom you don't see a future with. Gorabels!

Hoping

Another hugotan... I hope that people would be more understanding and that they would try to see the other side of the coin. After all, we're not bad people. We were just magically put in this beautiful situation.  

Wearing

My Max yellow green and animal print dress. Sakto lang, dress down eh :)

Loving

my relationship with my little boys. There's this amazing connection between moms and sons- really! And I can feel their love for me and it's the most most most beautiful and amazing thing in the world. 

Wanting

to cuddle......

Needing

Water, na uuhaw ako ngaun lol

Feeling

Happy!!! Oh dba, mood swing ba ka mo?

Good luck sa 2016! Just always be positive and ask for God's guidance. Avoid conflict and always be happy ♥

2015, it's sad to see you go... but hey there 2016!

It's the 29th of December (PH Time), we're about to say goodbye and thank you to the year 2015. With just about 2 days left for the year, I can say that it's been good to me. Sure there were a lot of challenges but there were more happiness. Challenges are part of life and it makes you treasure happiness more. 

To be honest, I wasn't so abundant this year in terms of finances. Early this year, my kids got sick twice. Needed to loan for Bas' school expenses and all. But I'm glad I survived and still when I recall the things that happened the entire year, I can still say that I am happy and I still feel blessed. I don't really ever recall regretting something or feeling sad about anything. It just goes to show that money isn't everything, it's an essential in our life but it's definitely NOT our entire life. What's important is that all my loved ones (my family) especially my children are well and happy. 

So, where am I at before end of this year?

CURRENTLY

Reading

My own blogs. It's nice to recall the happenings in the past year. Some are happy, intense and some are sad. But mostly happy :)

I'm happy to have started this blog last December 2014, now I have something to browse and remind me of the significant things that happened in my life. It's like a metaphoric diary. 

Writing

This blog, of course!

Listening 

To the agent pitching from the outbound account (LOL). No music in the office, sorry. 

But I think what I'd like to listen to is "Love Yourself" By Justin Bieber. I am in love with the guy. I love his voice and genre. I know he has a bad reputation but I think it's a disadvantage of being a public figure. EVERYONE has flaws (including myself, let's face it)- bad attitude and skeletons in the closet but it doesn't get published unless if you're a celebrity like Justin. So don't come clean :P

Thinking

About nothing. Eh wala eh, masaya lang talaga. I had an amazing weekend. I got to spend A LOT of time with my kids. I knew how much I mean to you. So ano pa ba hihingin ko? To be honest, I didn't have a really grand time during Christmas Eve, kase ang dami kong iniisip. But when I got to be with my kids and spent time with special people. I realized that it's all that I need. Kahit anong mangyari masaya ako dahil nandyan kayo. :)

Smelling

My own perfume. This one's special ♥

Wishing

That 2016 will be sweeter and lovelier. Positive lang! 

Hoping

That everything will fall into its rightful place and all the intriga and negativity will be gone. Sana yung taong mahilig manulsol ay mag bagong buhay na sa bagong taon! :)

Wearing

My pink uniform. Uniform nga dba? LOL

Loving

Where I'm at right now. At least I'm not so pained anymore. I have accepted things slowly, bits by bits. Laban lang :)

Wanting

Peace. Nakaka pagod din... 

Needing

Hair treatment. I recently rebonded my hair (for the Christmas party) and since my hair has been rebonded since rebond was invented, it's become dry and weary. So I'm going to buy some treatment for the betterment of the economy :)

Feeling

Happier =)

Happiness is indeed a choice! When people say nasty things about you or treat you unkindly, it's not about you but them. You can always just turn the other cheek and move on with your life. It's the people who love you unconditionally that will make you truly happy in life. With that being said, I feel so lucky having my family. Although our relationship is somewhat "chaotic" at times, at least they accept me for who I am. They might nag about the way I view things and the way I live my life but still they are there for me. They are the ones whom I laugh with and cry with no matter what life brings us. Most especially, I thank the Lord for my kids. They give me so much joy and ever since I had them, I always think before I act. I am no longer as drastic as I was before, which is better in all aspects. 

So as I bid 2015 goodbye, I would like to thank you for this year's life lessons, moments to treasure and success. You were really good to me, I will never forget you :)

And as I welcome 2016, I pray that this year will be more fruitful and abundant for me and my family. I pray that this year will be filled with love, peace and positive vibes. I pray that all challenges I will be facing will make me a better person and will help me succeed in life. I pray that my kids will always be healthy and safe. I pray that you and I will face this year with greater love and respect for each other, that no matter how people bring us down we will never give up and we will be there for each other and that I will still be writing about you in my blog as I bid goodbye to 2016 and to all the years that I will be writing about in this blog. I also pray for God to always guide me in my decisions and to give me the power of discerning people so I would know who to trust and love. 

LABAN!

Friends with Benefits

Exactly what I've learned before end of the year. 

Gosh, I don't even know how to start this blog. It's just that right now I am in a position that I am ready to let go of people whom I think is undeserving of my love. You see, I am a very simple person- I love truly and even if I do not like a certain person, I would still wish them well and never wish something bad for them. I just feel that life is already tough, so why would I make it tougher for other people or why pay attention to people who are giving me stress. 

I sent out "I love you" messages to 2 of my dearest friends last week. I told them that I just wanted to let them know that that is what I felt for them but actually it was my way of saying goodbye. I just do not like the idea that they are talking behind me. I've reached the point that I've had enough already. The culmination of it all was when this ex-friend stole my sale. 

At work, when we speak to a client, we put a note in our system just so we would know if the client has been entertained by one of us already (sales people), if so, we SHOULD always respect each other and forward the client to whoever "owns" them based on the note. I made a sale 12/7 and put a note that I've already sold the client for regular services. At 12/11 Daven, our CEO, launches a webinar and had a different offer so this 12/7 sold client realizes he wanted the offer instead, he calls the office and is entertained by ex-friend. Upon opening our system, you would see the note and she should have forwarded it to me since my name was already in the note. BUT SHE DIDN'T! She instead closed the client with the new order and she even had the nerve to put a note with her name (OMG). So I confronted her along with the supposedly-special-friend-boss and asked them how the arrangement would be. I thought the supposedly-special-friend-boss would be fair, but to my surprise she wasn't and wanted to give the sale to ex-friend. My heart broke in an instant. I realized that if I don't stand up for my right, I would be pushed around for good. So I asked supposedly-special-friend-boss if it was okay for us to do that process (which would really mess up the sale process), she closed her eyes and said it's up to us. Of course, the ex-friend gave it to me. It's more than just the worth of the money but about being fair- to me. They already lambasted me in my personal life and now they are being unfair to me at work? Nooo... this can't be. I know I can stand up for my right but it's just so heartbreaking. I cannot take the fact that I am being treated like shit by people who actually matter to me. God grant me wisdom :(

Okay, so you probably think that I must have done something that made my friends turn their back on me. Yes and No.. apparently, someone's been gossiping about me having an affair/relationship with one of our workmates (BAE). He is a VERY VERY good friend of mine. I love him, I love being with him- he's a dear friend of mine... A FRIEND! (effin %^$&^$&$!!!!) All these buzz and back stabbing gave people (my friends) a pre-conceived notion that every time I did something with him (even when I talk to BAE) they would instantly think that there's something going on between us. When the Call Center Director confronted us (last 2014)- our jaws literally dropped. We couldn't believe that it reached top management. First question on my mind was "WHAT, COME AGAIN???". I didn't know how to answer because it never touched my mind. Second was "Where are all of these coming from?". It was the director and the supposedly-special-friend-boss who confronted me, they were so upset and I didn't completely understand why. They mentioned a lot of things to me and ALL of the stuff they mentioned came from 1 person. You see, I don't share much about what's going on with me to random people I don't fully trust. So, it was easy for me to pin point as to from whom the gossip came from... the ex-friend.

It lead me to the conclusion that it was because of that one unfortunate night. So let me recall... Jed's dad died and so on Saturday (our off), we all agreed to pay respects. Ex-friend and I were still pretty close during that time and she already told me that she had a crush on BAE. So I wanted to tease her by inviting BAE with us. Like I said, BAE and I are pretty close so when I invited him he would surely come. We met at the wake and decided to have "Pag2" at a local bar. We had a bucket of beer and that's when it all started. I was quite comfortable with both of them so it was okay for me wherever I sat, so I just sat and waited for them to find their own seats. I didn't know that she wanted to sit with BAE but since BAE was more comfortable with me, he sat beside me. Had I known that it would lead to this, I would have backed up. For God's sake. She was already yelling at me to move away, pulling my chair away from BAE. I really didn't like the way I was treated but since I was being a good friend, I just let her be. BAE was drinking my beer, he's probably thinking that I couldn't handle too much of it. He's usually very nice with me. That's why I like his company. So ex-friend pretended to be drunk so he can sleep with BAE- Yes, she wanted to F*&$ him. She admitted it in one of the text messages she sent me. I kept the screenshots. BUT poor me wasn't oriented so I didn't know what was going on. FYI- me and my friends only had clean fun before so I really didn't know what she was up to. As a concerned friend, I made sure I knew she goes straight home and that I knew the cab she was on. When BAE and I were in the cab going home- he dropped me near our house since it was on the way, she showered me with text messages yelling/telling me that I killed the night for her, that she wasn't drunk and all. I just told her that I didn't know. I had no plans of telling anyone about it since it's kind of "sensitive", I didn't want to embarrass her. 

BUT TO MY HORROR, she already turned the entire story around and told our supposedly-special-friend-boss that she didn't know why BAE joined us to pay respects to Jed's dad. And a whole bunch of exaggerated lies. Poor me on the other hand, was caught off guard. I didn't know what to say and how to prove them wrong. I cried and prayed for days. 

I think that was the beginning of it all. Or maybe there's something deeper. I just couldn't figure out why because BAE and I are single- Single parents. LOL. We have no respective partners so we are free to date if ever. We are not the only people who are in office romance if ever. Ex-friend and supposedly-special-friend-boss are also in the same thing. So is it me? Or is it BAE? 

I don't know if I would ever figure out the answer. All I know is that I am truly hurt. Supposedly-special-friend-boss is very dear to me. I never looked at her as someone I could use due to her position. In fact, I just realized that I've always wanted to please her and I am proud of how successful she's become. It really hurts that she thinks of me that way. We used to be very okay or maybe that is what I believed to be. Meanwhile, I have another ex-special-friend whom I love sooo sooo dearly who watched everything without feeling any remorse towards me. For ex-friend, I wasn't even surprised about it. 

So now, a new year is coming, I will no longer love or even care for people who didn't feel the same for me. I may love them but they don't deserve it. 

There is a purpose for this Lord. I surrender to you. I lift up all these pain I feel in my heart unto you. I pray that you will guide me in the coming year. I pray that you will help me discern people in my life. You will show me who to trust, Oh Lord. Thank you for all your blessings and for your unconditional love. I praise you and I adore you for I am nothing without you.

Christmas Party 2015

MyLabs Ritche and I

Last weekend I had a blast at the Acropolis Super Club with my office mates. It was our Christmas party. I liked it because it was time for me to get dressed again and I had an excuse to have someone put make up on me (too much make up actually). I've always loved playing dress-up. Although preparing for it requires quite an effort and you only get to wear it a few hours that day, I am still willing to exert effort cuz it truly makes me happy. Since it's a rave party (though it wasn't really rave), I opted to wear a jumpsuit. My inspiration this year is Nina Dobrev minus the fedora hat (lol). I've always admired her since Vampire Diaries Season 1. I think she's a decent party girl and her style is really good. Although I'm nothing like her, I still loved my entire outfit that night. I felt like a real party girl. 

I got a little bored at the beginning of the party. The program really sucked a lot. There were politicians invited and they had this talk about politics. It was just short but it was really boring for me. Nothing against those politicians though, I like them but I just think it wasn't good timing since everyone had the party vibe and then all of a sudden someone with a monotone voice would talk about a party list that helps athletes. Good thing though is that I won the raffle once again. I won a sack of rice, my Mama loved it. 

When the program ended, it was time for beer and a lot of dancing- which is timely cuz I really want to let lose that night. I danced the night away. Beer was everywhere. I was just dancing and jumping in the dance floor. I didn't care about what people around me were doing, I was just having a grand time. I was glad to be partying with people who also wanted to be there and party hard. Yes, despite the dry ice, I still partied like there's no tomorrow. 

After the party we all agreed to stay at Nino's place. And as we traveled, I started to feel headache (beer for sure). And my body was so tired due to too much dancing ON HEELS. So I didn't stay long in their house, I went home upon realizing the night's about to get frustrating. Thank you for making me feel better and for always re-assuring me. 

So that was my weekend- after the party I stayed in bed most of the time. My body was so sore. But if I'd have the chance to do it again, I WOULD!

It's now time to prepare for Christmas- gifts for my sons and for some close friends. I usually just give away gifts for children. They make me really happy :)

No work on Xmas week, so no pressure. I can definitely spend time with family, most especially my children. 

More pictures from the party:

After the party

Me, April Alvior, Jessa, Glenfe, Norvie, Jesrael, Nino, Rocnie and Jake

From LeftL Glenfe, Jake, Me, Bayang, Rocnie, April A and Jesrael

With the Bosses- From right: KLoy, LJ, Me, Sir William, Norvie, Jessa and Jesrael

Partying with the same people :)

Me :)

Me and Jesrael

Party girls

Jadee and I putting on the "Maldita" look

Party all night, tired the next day LOL