It has been 13 days (lucky number lol) since 2016 came. So far it has been chill. Except for some scenarios here in the office. I felt kind of demotivated but all is well now. I can manage. It's only in the office anyway. I only get to stay here for 8 hours. Akala ko madali lng. But really it isn't.
I wrote this in my notepad yesterday:
She's succeeding. [Is she really?] I think. I mean, she's succeeding with cutting me off the group. It hurts. Why is it so easy for these people to believe all the paninira? Every time I want to start talking and opening up, I start to feel the lump-like painful swell in my throat. I want to just cry and disappear. If it weren't for my kids, I would have just ran away. I need this job (more than anyone, I think). I am a single mom and I fear losing my bread and butter. That is what I am more concerned of more than anything else in the world.
No matter how I tell myself to ignore, sometimes it still affects me. It's hard to be sitting here and not wanting to say anything. While they are enjoying, I don't feel like saying anything. I just want to be quiet because I think/feel they are strangers. It's hard to trust people now-a-days. There are times that I wanna transform into "Hulk" and smash everyone and everything that goes my way.
It is my fault, I think, because I ignored it. So whoever is making panira had the chance to actually drill a deeper hole. Damn it! Bakit ba kase?
--
That is exactly what I felt at that moment. And now things have changed. I used to defend girls every time they say that girls are really hard to deal with. But having wrote this blog. I think they're right. LOL. It's not that I don't understand myself. It's just that I can see how girls' mood or perception change. It's kind of funny but I've learned to live with it.
I have to blame it to the female hormones. I think by this time I'm ovulating that's why I'm really very moody. These are the times when I take jokes seriously (Oh my, oh why?).. nakakahiya mang aminin but it does happen to me quite often. Unfortunately, due to some awful experiences in the past, when it's painful, I walkout. I don't want to self destruct once again.
Anyway, like I said, the moods have changed once again. I am happy today. LOL. I know I am cute but I could get a little psycho sometimes. Hahaha. See you can tell how happy I am with the number of "LOL" and "hahaha" I have in this blog and right before I end it, I get to be emo again. (naaahhh)
Today, my realization is that I really don't need to fight that hard. Why don't I just let things be. Whatever happens I should always maintain my cool and be happy with my life. People who hurt me are just fractions of it but it's not my entire life. So I can definitely move on and still be happy. Wow. Positive pa more! Totoo na man eh, people who treat you badly should also be given the same treatment. Not that you would also oblige yourself to act the same way because you're not like them. Instead, you can turn the other cheek and always be on the positive side. Best of all, they don't need to be given much importance. Oh hala sige, oplan pagaanin ang loob!
So let's do the currently:
Reading
Tiger horoscope. Last year I was told that 2015 will be abundant in terms of money but it doesn't seem so? Please don't get me wrong. I still feel blessed. It's was just kind of exaggerated in my 2015 horoscope.
Writing
My blog :)
Listening
to "Be with you" By Akon. Oh my! The lyrics so kilig. We were just eating casually at McDonals (thanks for sponsoring lol). He just mentioned out of the blue that he liked this song and I was kind of teasing him that he's "Ume-akon". I've always loved rock and I think Akon is so mainstream RnB (Naks!). BUUUTTT When I listened to the song, my jaws dropped and my heart melted instantly. I was so touched and I felt sooo LOVED :) (Whooo~ Regine)
Thinking
About him- reminiscing the "Akon" moment we had at McDonalds. You see, he's not really expressive in words. He's not as mushy as I am. Malamang, lalaki siya. But in all honesty, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal niya at pag aalaga niya. Even Richard never gave me the same treatment. He's always checking on me and always making sure he knew where I was. Minsan nakakainis that it seems as if he doesn't trust me for always asking details like- where I am, who's with me and all. He would even listen to the background (the surroundings) when he's calling me and would make me hang the phone while I am making chika or doing whatever I'm doing so he can listen. Dba parang walang tiwala? But for me it is also an indication that he's afraid of losing me. Talaga lang ha? Baka na man nabubulagan lang ako? But he's not nagging at all. He just wants to know. I understand cuz he was once in a toxic relationship. I am not hiding anything from him naman so he can listen whenever he wants to.
Smelling
My hair. It's one of my mannerisms. I like doing it. I like smelling my hair and sometimes I hate it when I go to the karenderya, it would smell like food or worse smoke. Ang arte dba? Naka karenderya na man. LOL. I just put cologne to get rid of the smell =)
Wishing
I literally stared at the ceiling and made a deep hugot. Of course, I wish for things to always be good. I wish that we will always be this strong and that we will always be good parents to our children. (NAKS! Mag asawa?) Well, as they say never be with someone whom you don't see a future with. Gorabels!
Hoping
Another hugotan... I hope that people would be more understanding and that they would try to see the other side of the coin. After all, we're not bad people. We were just magically put in this beautiful situation.
Wearing
My Max yellow green and animal print dress. Sakto lang, dress down eh :)
Loving
my relationship with my little boys. There's this amazing connection between moms and sons- really! And I can feel their love for me and it's the most most most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.
Wanting
to cuddle......
Needing
Water, na uuhaw ako ngaun lol
Feeling
Happy!!! Oh dba, mood swing ba ka mo?
Good luck sa 2016! Just always be positive and ask for God's guidance. Avoid conflict and always be happy ♥
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