"I have a lot of shortcomings, I know. But I can't give you anything more. This is the only kind of relationship I could give you. So, if you find someone new or someone better, I will not get mad. I will totally understand. Just tell me and don't lie to me." he said.
Those words kept reechoing in her mind and heart. She kept asking "Why can't he do more? Am I not worthy? After all that we have been through, you're willing to just let me go like that, because you just don't want to do or give more? Why? Damn it, he's telling me (straight to my face) that -I AM NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR YOU, CUZ YOU'RE JUST NOT WORTH IT GIRL." She felt her heart melt as if someone poured acid to it.
It only took six sentences for him to break her heart. It tore everything that she believed they had. It pounded her dreams into pieces. ONLY SIX SENTENCES crushed her world. That's how he meant to her but he just doesn't see it, doesn't even give value to it. He just keeps on accusing her of things she was afraid to do because she knew it would mean losing him. But then again, it doesn't matter because she can go whenever she wants to- when she finds someone better. She's confused because to her he was everything- everything she ever wanted and admired. "Would there be someone really better?" She wondered deeply and secretly hoped there would be because she knew she didn't deserve any of that, she knows it by heart.
Though she hopes that someone would come along to save her from loving someone who couldn't love her back the same way, she still wants him to change and appreciate her someday. She's beginning to get tired carrying such a heavy heart though. She knows it's stupid but she loves him.
I feel the need to update my blog right now- on a Monday morning, while waiting for my boss (crush), Sir Mike, to ping me so we can talk about my new project. I am super happy and excited about it. I just watched the video tutorial and everything looks good. It's an eBay data entry account. But right now, I am in a meeting with Daven. We're doing some role playing for a new script. I kind of miss the old vibe. I don't know, something about the culture now-a-days that makes me not feel right about it. Anyway, it could just be me, no biggy.
So, let's continue in updating my current state of mind. Let's see what comes out :)
Currently
Reading
Some information about the script, mostly work stuff.
Writing
This blog and some details in the meeting.
Listening
To Daven do the training. I wish I could listen to some music. My energy's getting low right now. Although, most of the things we're discussing makes sense to me, it's tiring. Anyway, I'll just get this over with.
Good thing Sir William came to get me to have a meeting with Sir Mike, yes, that's another meeting. But unlike any other meetings, I am excited to see Sir Mike. He's been my favorite crush and he's the only crush I announce publicly.
Thinking
About the new project. I am so excited. I want to make it grow so that I will also grow in this company and widen my horizons. For a lot of years, I have been under 123Employee and I love it so much. I think it's about time to also see greener fields and I am willing to work really hard to make it work and grow. By God's will and grace, I know I can. Thank you, Lord :)
Smelling
Fart. LOL. I'm just kidding. I am smelling my own perfume. Thanks to you.
Wishing
That things will be great. That no matter what problems would arise, I am equipped to face it and still be positive about life. The year has just begun and I can say that so far it's been good. It started in a slow pace for me but I look forward for great things to come. Positive lang!
Hoping
To finally free myself from all the negative people in my life. I used to get really affected with their opinion, with their stare or even when they try to say stuff using some "idiomatic" expressions pertaining to me, as if I don't get it (I'm not that stupid, duuhh), but now I can say that I've finally learned how to overcome them and not be affected by it for my own sake.
Wearing
HAHA! My pink uniform :) I wear this every Monday. FYI-
Loving
How things are in my life right now. My boys are good and as always we enjoy each others company. Having them by my side, makes me feel that nothing could really go wrong that no matter what we will always survive and get through every trial in our lives. We will stick together and will always be there for each other.
Wanting
security- that's all.
Needing
Money to shop. LOL.
...and some good good lovin' :D
Also, I need some meditation and I need to reflect on a few things. Is this really what I want?
Feeling
Happy because I will again be handling people which is my first love. Excited to make this new baby work and grow, so I can earn more $$$. And confused (and sad) because of what you said in the bank.
After that small statement or even phrase in the bank, a lot of not so good statements you've said before followed. So, now I'm kind of lost. Anyway, I got lots in my plate and lots of reasons to be busy. I will just leave it as is for now.
Tomorrow is introduction day and training with the client. Super psyched! I wanna sleep right away and be ready for tomorrow's shift.
Hopefully, I will be able to update my blog about the client and the training. Apparently, writing for me needs inspiration. It's like water, when it pours, it totally pours :)
One of my favorite things to do with my kids and my sister every weekend- my sister, the DJ, would be on the computer and start playing songs while me and my kids are dancing while singing along (loudly, almost shouting). Here are some of the songs we play:
Who wouldn't love Justin? :)
Although this song is heartbreaking, there's something about Justin's voice that makes this song sound sweet.
I can relate to this song. I mean, despite all the heartbreak that I have been through, I can still say that I am willing to love someone this much. Even though the possibility of losing the person is there, I am still willing to give love as long as I can. (Naks!)
Naughty song :)
Nakaka kilig!
I think someone is dedicating this song to me. LOL
I named this blog after this song. Needless to say, this song is special to me.
I remember asking you to sing with me (as a joke) and then you stood up and sang with me. It was our first duet.
Adele's songs are really powerful. My kids sing along with her. Kinikilig si Mama. ♥
I like the beat of the song, although I don't like its sad meaning. I came to know this song through Bas. He sings really well (of course, for Mama).
One of my all time favorites. The guitar in the intro kills me each time I hear this song.
My all time favorite. (super!)
The way I understand this song is that when the girlfriend ditched the boyfriend, the boyfriend fell for another man. OH MY! Well, I like the chorus so much, I like the message :)
Above are just a few songs I like. I can no longer concentrate, maybe I will just add later. Enjoy!!!
This is funny! (sorry) I know this is not probably meant to be funny for whoever sent it but it is for me. LOL. If you're trying to hurt me or piss me off, that would be the least thing that would make me feel bad, because that is the last thing I worry about in my life. Although, I am intrigued as to who this person is. I must have pissed the hell out of her that she decided to create a dummy Facebook account just to tell me I am ugly. LOL. I figured that this person was a "she" because I checked her profile and Facebook said "-She- changed -her- profile picture". well, as they say "Haters gonna hate!".
For the record, I do not care how you think I look like because first of all, I do not wake up in the morning for you (it's for my sons) and of course, I do not dress up for you or for anyone else. I dress up, I try to make myself beautiful for- ME, it's for self satisfaction. What matters to me is that when I look in the mirror, I smile and feel contented with what I look like and not feel sorry for myself. If I get compliments for looking good then I am thankful (super!). If someone says I am ugly, then I am ugly. I am not very insecure about that part of my life or personality. I know I need to enhance my outward appearance- like plucking my eyebrows, putting on moisturizer and powder, lipstick and some cheek tint. I get stuff that I can afford. I don't borrow or worse steal just so I can achieve the look that I want. I am not disturbing anyone else. These are all mine, therefore, I will use it for my own pleasure.
Also, ever since I came to know the world, I've always loved dressing up. Even at a young age I was concious as to what goes well with what- like colors that match, shirt sizes that go with pants or shorts or skirts, printed over plain, shoes for certain occasions and outfit, which bag to pair for the occasion or the outfit and even the accessories that I wear depends on the place and color of my outfit and shoes. Before I actually dress up and put on stuff, I assess if they go well together and if it's appropriate for the occasion and location that I'm going to. I don't go by just knowing which one I like. For example, I will wear these pants because I like it, I will pair it with my favorite blouse and I will wear my favorite sandals- What if the colors don't go together? Or what if the blouse isn't meant to be paired with pants because of its cut and length? And what if the sandals doesn't go well with pants and how about the color? I consider all of those stuff in dressing myself up and I enjoy it. Again, let me reiterate it, it's for my self fulfillment.
It ain't too bad actually :)
Admittedly, most of my self confidence come from the outfit that I've put on together- I mean, how comfortable I am with how I look. Of course, I want to look presentable. I believe that your outfit or outward appearance says a lot about you. It's your identification. So I choose it carefully. AND AGAIN, it's for my own satisfaction, not for anyone else.
So, if you think I'm ugly- that I look like a horse, my chin is long and my eyes are big, then that is totally okay with me. I have accepted my face wholeheartedly that I am not intimidated by its flaws.
You see, life is not a beauty pageant, that you would need to have that perfect face or perfect body. You just need to be happy and contented with what you have. Enhance what you can and accept what you can't. Simple as that. What matters is what comes out of your mouth because whatever comes out of it is what's inside your brain- what you think about. And what you think about defines who you are as a person, it shines through. Because your heart and your brain always coincides. They may sometimes disagree but they often compromise. So, no matter what you wear, even if you wear the most expensive designer clothes, shoes or make up, you will still not be contented because your heart isn't happy. Contentment comes from happiness, I guess. When you're happy with the way things are of course you feel contented. I mean contented in a way that you don't push things too hard, that you're still aware that there's a bigger world out there and there are a lot of opportunities but you keep your feet on the ground, wait for your turn and just be happily steady with where you're currently at.
If you would have said something about my attitude, it would probably give me a different impact. I might pause and reflect my actions but trying to hurt me by insulting my physical appearance, isn't really going to affect me. So, try harder next time. LOL :P
Because you know what when life puts me through challenges this is what I do:
I had a realization early today, Kase I was thinking, all these backstabbing has already been going on long before I even knew about it. I, unfortunately, was the last one to know. Had it not because of this new girl (Matabil and sorry to say but she cannot be trusted at all, she just can't help spilling beans), I wouldn't have probably known about it. I would have been okay with it because what I do not know won't hurt me. Anyway, I cannot do anything about it anymore because what's done is already done.
So, instead, I am accepting it. I wll accept things as they are. You can hate me all you want but it doesn't mean that I have to hate you back. Hating is negative and it's not what I want for myself. I don't want to dwell on something that cannot help me pay my bills and of course with providing for my children. I want to always choose positivity to nourish my heart and soul. I need to always take care of myself first so I can take care of my children.
If I were in your shoes [backstabber], I would wonder why I always look at the flaws and fail to see/appreciate what's good. You are actually missing out. You may have all the things that the world can offer but you don't see it because your heart is filled with negative energy which eradicates the purpose of your blessings. Life is short, don't spend your time stressing on what others decide in their lives. Don't confuse it with being concerned, because when you truly are concerned, you should have scolded and confronted the person involved rather than talk behind their back. Aside from not being heard, you are depriving yourself from knowing the truth.
But then again, that is your choice. And I have no "choice" but to accept it and live with it. From now on, I will do my best to not be affected on whatever you throw at me. God sees my intentions and he knows that I do not mean any harm to anyone, so I won't be shaken.
Thank you Lord for giving me a heart that is able to appreciate life despite its many challenges =)
It has been 13 days (lucky number lol) since 2016 came. So far it has been chill. Except for some scenarios here in the office. I felt kind of demotivated but all is well now. I can manage. It's only in the office anyway. I only get to stay here for 8 hours. Akala ko madali lng. But really it isn't.
I wrote this in my notepad yesterday:
She's succeeding. [Is she really?] I think. I mean, she's succeeding with cutting me off the group. It hurts. Why is it so easy for these people to believe all the paninira? Every time I want to start talking and opening up, I start to feel the lump-like painful swell in my throat. I want to just cry and disappear. If it weren't for my kids, I would have just ran away. I need this job (more than anyone, I think). I am a single mom and I fear losing my bread and butter. That is what I am more concerned of more than anything else in the world.
No matter how I tell myself to ignore, sometimes it still affects me. It's hard to be sitting here and not wanting to say anything. While they are enjoying, I don't feel like saying anything. I just want to be quiet because I think/feel they are strangers. It's hard to trust people now-a-days. There are times that I wanna transform into "Hulk" and smash everyone and everything that goes my way.
It is my fault, I think, because I ignored it. So whoever is making panira had the chance to actually drill a deeper hole. Damn it! Bakit ba kase?
--
That is exactly what I felt at that moment. And now things have changed. I used to defend girls every time they say that girls are really hard to deal with. But having wrote this blog. I think they're right. LOL. It's not that I don't understand myself. It's just that I can see how girls' mood or perception change. It's kind of funny but I've learned to live with it.
I have to blame it to the female hormones. I think by this time I'm ovulating that's why I'm really very moody. These are the times when I take jokes seriously (Oh my, oh why?).. nakakahiya mang aminin but it does happen to me quite often. Unfortunately, due to some awful experiences in the past, when it's painful, I walkout. I don't want to self destruct once again.
Anyway, like I said, the moods have changed once again. I am happy today. LOL. I know I am cute but I could get a little psycho sometimes. Hahaha. See you can tell how happy I am with the number of "LOL" and "hahaha" I have in this blog and right before I end it, I get to be emo again. (naaahhh)
Today, my realization is that I really don't need to fight that hard. Why don't I just let things be. Whatever happens I should always maintain my cool and be happy with my life. People who hurt me are just fractions of it but it's not my entire life. So I can definitely move on and still be happy. Wow. Positive pa more! Totoo na man eh, people who treat you badly should also be given the same treatment. Not that you would also oblige yourself to act the same way because you're not like them. Instead, you can turn the other cheek and always be on the positive side. Best of all, they don't need to be given much importance. Oh hala sige, oplan pagaanin ang loob!
So let's do the currently:
Reading
Tiger horoscope. Last year I was told that 2015 will be abundant in terms of money but it doesn't seem so? Please don't get me wrong. I still feel blessed. It's was just kind of exaggerated in my 2015 horoscope.
Writing
My blog :)
Listening
to "Be with you" By Akon. Oh my! The lyrics so kilig. We were just eating casually at McDonals (thanks for sponsoring lol). He just mentioned out of the blue that he liked this song and I was kind of teasing him that he's "Ume-akon". I've always loved rock and I think Akon is so mainstream RnB (Naks!). BUUUTTT When I listened to the song, my jaws dropped and my heart melted instantly. I was so touched and I felt sooo LOVED :) (Whooo~ Regine)
Thinking
About him- reminiscing the "Akon" moment we had at McDonalds. You see, he's not really expressive in words. He's not as mushy as I am. Malamang, lalaki siya. But in all honesty, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal niya at pag aalaga niya. Even Richard never gave me the same treatment. He's always checking on me and always making sure he knew where I was. Minsan nakakainis that it seems as if he doesn't trust me for always asking details like- where I am, who's with me and all. He would even listen to the background (the surroundings) when he's calling me and would make me hang the phone while I am making chika or doing whatever I'm doing so he can listen. Dba parang walang tiwala? But for me it is also an indication that he's afraid of losing me. Talaga lang ha? Baka na man nabubulagan lang ako? But he's not nagging at all. He just wants to know. I understand cuz he was once in a toxic relationship. I am not hiding anything from him naman so he can listen whenever he wants to.
Smelling
My hair. It's one of my mannerisms. I like doing it. I like smelling my hair and sometimes I hate it when I go to the karenderya, it would smell like food or worse smoke. Ang arte dba? Naka karenderya na man. LOL. I just put cologne to get rid of the smell =)
Wishing
I literally stared at the ceiling and made a deep hugot. Of course, I wish for things to always be good. I wish that we will always be this strong and that we will always be good parents to our children. (NAKS! Mag asawa?) Well, as they say never be with someone whom you don't see a future with. Gorabels!
Hoping
Another hugotan... I hope that people would be more understanding and that they would try to see the other side of the coin. After all, we're not bad people. We were just magically put in this beautiful situation.
Wearing
My Max yellow green and animal print dress. Sakto lang, dress down eh :)
Loving
my relationship with my little boys. There's this amazing connection between moms and sons- really! And I can feel their love for me and it's the most most most beautiful and amazing thing in the world.
Wanting
to cuddle......
Needing
Water, na uuhaw ako ngaun lol
Feeling
Happy!!! Oh dba, mood swing ba ka mo?
Good luck sa 2016! Just always be positive and ask for God's guidance. Avoid conflict and always be happy ♥
