Goodbye, M.D.

I was getting ready to sleep when I saw posts from friends that they’ve passed the med board exam, that they are now officially “First Last Name, MD”. How cool is that! I was happy congratulating everyone. When I suddenly thought of you, it’s not that I don’t think of you anymore, because I honestly do. This one’s just a little pinch in the heart. Have you passed? I googled the names and there you are…. Ryg MOHbKEL NLhfe, MD. Wow! Boy! I was very happy, I almost jumped from my seat. I wanted to cheer so loudly for you. I wanted to see your smile and your happiness. I’m sure you’d be ecstatic. We would have jumped while hugging each other… our smiles, cheers and laughter with your family and friends.

But because of a sudden twist of fate a few years back, I am not going to celebrate with you, sadly. Although I’ve been part of most of the difficult years when you were starting med school, I won’t be there to kiss, hug and congratulate you. I have imagined that day for so many times- How I’m going to rejoice with you and what I’m going to wear on your victory party.

We both had shortcomings. We both contributed to the death of our love. But today, as you rejoice, I am breaking down. Don’t get me wrong, I wish you really well. I want the best for you, believe me.

It’s just that now that you passed the board, I know what happens next. I know because that was our plan. That was once our plan. It sucks that I’m no longer part of it now. You are making our dreams reality… but not with me, but with her.

There are times that I would wake up in the middle of the night wanting to invent a time machine to make things right in the past. It’s just not how things work. In this world, in order for you to win, you need to move on. It’s hard but I know I can do this. I can fix myself and find my forever. I still believe in love.

As for you, since I wouldn’t be able to congratulate you ever, I am writing this for you. I pray to God that he showers you with blessings because you deserve it. Goodbye to our past and cheers to our future! Not together but I know a lot of great things await each of us. You hold a special spot in my heart. Thanks for everything.

Photographs, Memories and Heartaches

I really want to cry right now….

I was comforting a so-much-younger-friend earlier as she’s facing a big break-up. OMG! When I was her age, I was madly in love with my ex- the father of my kids. I never knew a lot of heartache when I was younger. The first time I cried was when I first broke up with my first boyfriend. I was brokenhearted for about 3 days. LOL! We broke up Saturday, I was crying with my teddy bear, feeling cute like I was in some teenage movie drama, cried when I saw my best friends in school and then forgot about it the next day. HAHAHA! The next time I cried was when I thought I was in love my guy best friend, which I kind of figured when I aged more, that it was more of me being jealous of the thought that these girls (his many girlfriends) are trying to steal my only guy best friend who took really good care of me. The next time I cried was when my baby-daddy left me and the kids. That was a big blow. I don’t know if it helped my friend but I kind of told her “well, I had 2 kids with him and still he left, you’re even luckier!” LOL!  I know that no matter what you tell a person who’s in her position wouldn’t really understand anything. They wouldn’t take any of your advices. They just don’t want to be alone while they deal with the loss and while they imagine all the good things they’ve had with the person.

Even if I tried to appear strong in front of her, I wanted to cry sooo badly. God! I’m only human and I have memories. I do remember how pain got its claws over me. Damn! When my baby-daddy chose another girl over the pregnant me, yes, I was pregnant with our second child (my Darling Zaak) it felt like my head was expanding and that it’s going to blow when it reaches its peak. My entire body froze realizing that I can’t do anything because I was just seated in front of the computer and he was there in Abu Dhabi. Yes, the bastard broke up with me through WeChat. I felt very unworthy. I forgot about my own value and begged and begged and begged him not to leave me. I begged him to come home and give us a chance to be with him that maybe it would change his mind. Still, it didn’t work. The Bastard didn’t reply. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a very heavy chest, as if a hollow block was on top of it. I would get up, drink water, check my damn Wechat thinking that he might have come into his senses and sent me a message. But still he didn’t. It felt like it was the end of the world. I was telling myself that no one would ever love a single mom like me. I have 2 kids!!! If ever someone would want to be with me, it would be for sex- not love. I was insane.

BUT it was all just a phase. People go through heartaches for some time in each other’s lives. As I was trying to make her feel better, I thought about things that she could do to somehow change something, ex: wardrobe etc. And then I thought about cutting her hair, relating to an experience I had when I was younger. As I was telling her about what happened, I kind of miss the person. I searched for him in Facebook but I realized he’s blocked me, good thing I found him on Linkedin though! LOL! I was happy seeing him. I wonder how he is. WAIT! Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I want to be with him again. I’m totally happy with my life now, super! (Thank you Lord) I don’t want to ruin it. It’s just that he was nothing but a sweet memory to me. Thinking about what we’ve had makes me smile. It was sweet, innocent, clean… and BAWAL. He’s not married, we both weren’t. HAHA! Alright, enough!

My friend may be in deep pain right now, but I’m sure she will get over it as long as she helps herself. Pain demands to be felt, yes, but it ends. So, don’t worry too much. There will always be someone better who will come into your life and make you happier, someone who will accept you for who you are- someone who knows you’re clumsy, stubborn and sometimes a dork but still accept you. Someone who would just laugh at your mistakes, comfort you and will make sure that you wouldn’t commit the same mistakes again. It sounds impossible but it’s possible. Just dream, believe and survive!

Sorry August...but thank you, you've been GREAT!

I’m really really feeling sorry for myself for not being able to write anything in my blog the entire August. I promised myself to have entries every damn month! How come? There were so many interesting things that happened to me last month. I hope I was able to share it on time. Got so busy with work, tasks changed and I needed to be on top of things.   

Last month was special because I got to be with her. I mean, I have been around her for a lot of times but last month was different. We were “alone”, just us – not afraid to show what we truly are. I wanted to avoid being close to her because she's old enough to have opinions of her own and I was afraid that she wouldn’t like me. But it went pretty cool, we had plenty of laughs and I think that she’s such a darling. I’m happy to be her friend =)

What a shame for me to miss updating my August blog and yet right now I am literally staring at my computer without any clue what to write about.

So, why don’t I just do the “Currently”, let’s see what comes out…

Currently

Reading

The new script for a new project…

Writing

This blog, I don’t really have much to do today because the tasks assigned to me will start tomorrow and my other agents aren’t here because it’s a US holiday.

Listening

To Marry Me by Train, this song makes me fall in love over and over again. Someday, yes I do!  

When I wanna go easy on mornings, I listen to these types of songs. They set a good mood.

Later I will listen to closer by The Chainsmokers, Andrew Taggart is such a hottie ^_^

Thinking

Nothing, I just wanted to take a moment and be inspired by the song… and then I thought to myself, “Will I ever get married?” Urgh, this darn song! I’ve always wanted to be a good wife to a good man/husband, honestly. I want to take care of a home. I want to have a complete family. I want a man who will be a good father to my 2 adorable boys. I want them to look up to a good man- someone who learned from his mistakes.

I want us to travel together as a family. I bet that would be fun! Ohhh, I want so many things. Bless us, Dear God. ♥

Smelling

Coffee from the vendo and my own cologne J

Wishing

Wishing, hoping and believing are 3 different things. I don’t want to keep wishing (and hoping) for significant things in life because I believe that I don’t need to wish since I’m living by it right now. I know that everything that’s happening will lead me to where I’m supposed to be. So, I guess, it’s better to wish for more coffee and some ice cream. Oh yeah baby!!

 

Hoping

Like I said, hope is not having faith because faith would tell you that all is well and that all you gotta do is wait for things to fall into place. However, hoping is being unsure that things will happen. It’s like I hope that this and that will happen, but if not then I’m gonna have to deal with whatever’s laid upon me. I am faithful and not hopeful. My faith never failed me.

Wearing

My maroon turtle neck and gray “puruntong”. It’s Monday today and I’m not allowed to wear my pink uniform because it’s too short.

Loving

Life! I mean, it sure is imperfect but there are more than enough reasons to be thankful for. Especially my boys- their voices, their scent, their kisses and hugs are all that matters to me.

Wanting

Peace on earth! There was bombing at Roxas Street about 3 days ago and every time I see updates in my newsfeed, I couldn’t help but feel brokenhearted about it. How could people be so wicked!? How could they stand seeing bloodied corpses knowing that those people are loved and needed? How could they stand hearing people cry? God is faithful, he is just. He will bestow what people deserve.

Sometimes when I think about it, people are really capable of creating something really wicked. I mean, people can even be wicked in small things like, when they are  envious or get jealous, people tend to say hateful things and think about things to bring people down, even if it’s not their fault, even if it’s them who should sort things out within themselves. May hugot ba ako? Nagpapaliwanag lang! lol!

Needing

To cut my hair and have it rebonded. Final na! Paparebond ko na, I can’t help it. I tried to keep it curly but it’s really hard to manage. Fixing it takes time. I just wanna be able to comb it and it’s good for the next 12 hours or so. LOL! Yes, I seldom comb my hair. As long as it looks intact, I’m cool with it. Yes, tamad ako fixing it.

Feeling

Hungry! In just a few minutes I will eat like a queen! (..And so I did!)

So, there you go! That sums up my entire August. All love and positivity lang!

I am constantly praying for the victims of the bombing and I am praying for everyone’s safety. There are still a lot of Intel reports that are being passed on from friends or in FB posts, I am not sure whether they’re true but it still scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to live feeling this way though; this is not what Christ wants for us. We should live and enjoy the life that he has given his life for.

We are already winners! Let’s claim it. We shall surpass this. Whatever problems we may have, it is well and it is done. We are victorious!

You Got It, Girl!

I need a breather, seriously! I can feel my brain giving up- I wanna freeze! How could one survive doing 4 different things at the same freaking time??? Like, chatting with 3 different clients, solving a customer service issue, training email customer service, doing an FB task and training about chargeback. I have been bouncing around these stuff since last week and early this week. Oh man, I never thought I could do such thing.

I am really not complaining at all, I mean, I know it’s hard and it gets into your nerves but it’s a really nice achievement to be able to pull it off. At least I didn’t end up in a mental facility or something. Actually, I might though. LOL!

So, in a really "effortless effort" to cool things off, I would like to do the “currently” thing that I regularly write in here. Let’s see how mental I could get, lol!

Currently

Reading

Customer service emails.  *Pff

Writing

I had my customer service agent update our product info spreadsheet, so I now have the time to write my blog aside from writing customer service responses. Alleluia!

Listening

I really wanna listen to Boyce Avenue right now but obviously I can’t because I am in the office.

Thinking

I am thinking about how exciting it would be to write a blog with DeLLia. I recently loaned a laptop from the company, a Dell Inspiron 3552 and I fondly call her “DeLLia” for a very obvious reason. I loved her the first time I ever held her in my arms; I think she’s sexy, just like me. LOL!

Smelling

My new favorite baby cologne! It’s funny how I thought about not revealing the cologne’s name as I had weird and irritating experiences of people getting ideas from me and using them as if it was theirs. Time for hugot?lol! But yeah, it’s kind of sickening actually. I pity them though; I can’t imagine how it sucks to be in their position. I mean, you can’t even identify what you want for yourself. All you can do is copy? Or if you see something cool you apply it to yourself to appear or at least feel that you’re cool. That sucks! Man, it’s like writing a blog about how you feel and yet you just copied it from another blog, so your life is an entire plagiarism? Haha! What a darn comparison. Anyways, this cologne is heavenly! I love it!

Wishing

I really feel that I am heading towards the right direction in terms of improving myself and my life in general. I am not saying it’s perfect but I can proudly say that I am doing something about it. With that being said, my wish is for me to be able to continue to be blessed with people who not only give me good company and laughter but also influence me in making good out of all the resources that are being laid in front of us. In other words, I wish our endeavors success.

Hoping

That whatever problems may arise in the future, I am ready to face them and that the universe would continue to transpire to help me with my desires. 

Wearing

My cream uniform, this is what I wear every Thursday US time and I don’t really have a lot on my plate on this day usually and that is the reason why I am able to write this blog right now.

Loving

As what I have learned (the hard way), loving isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, there will always be challenges- not just the stuff or people around you but also within you. What matters is that you are willing to work things out for the person you love and vice versa. Wow! Romantic? Haha.. naahh!

One thing that I love the most is the bond that I have with my children. There’s this unexplainable bond that connects us, there’s this understanding in the deepest parts of our hearts that by just staring at each other's faces (considering how young Zaak is), we know and understand each other. This is with no exaggeration. I know a lot of moms can relate to this. This wonderful communication moms have with their children is so majestic.

Wanting

I really have this want that I want to keep for myself =)

Needing

HAIRCUT! Lol.. I have decided to try not to rebond my hair. I wanted to rebond it and cut it shorter but someone told me that I should try sporting my curls because they’re nice. I really don’t know.. I haven’t really appreciated them ever since because I thought they looked like lion hair, but if I set it really well, I think I can pull it off. Let’s see.

Feeling

Sickly.. I think I need to have my eyes checked; the nausea I’m feeling is too much to bear =(

Being able to identify certain parts in my current standing/status tells me that I need to be really thankful for being sane and happy. Like I said, it’s not perfect but I have learned to accept and be in unison with the tide.

I have so many plans and I’m glad I’m doing something to start it and I’m willing to make it work. I am so thankful for all the supportive and loving people in my life.

It feels great knowing that when you say you want lechon, someone would be waiting for you at the “lechonan” and you’re like “you’re kidding right?” and that person would go “nope, I’m at the third table extreme left from the entrance. Be careful when you cross the street, make sure you’re at the left isle so you can see the cars coming”. Then when you reach home, someone hears you knock and for some amazing reason this little boy knows it was you... I hear Zaak scream and giggle knowing that I was home. When I see Kuya in school, he knows where I always wait for him, he tries to surprise me and when I look, I see him smiling- happy to see Mama. God is the greatest! I lift everything up to you, oh God, we are nothing without you. We are yours faithfully; we praise you and adore you.

Sarbay Fest Was Still Fun Despite...

First blog for June, Ehem! I kind of gave myself the responsibility to post every month. When I read the blog posts I had each month of 2015, I realized how cool it is to be able to remember experiences I've had in the months of the year that passed.

Anyways, "my June" was interesting, it started with a BANG! I just mainly wanted to party because summer's about to be over and I'll be back to being the stage mom at school. Bas being at school eats up most of my time each week, I thought to myself that a weekend out of town wouldn't be so bad. After all, I was going with my most loved and trusted friends.

So, I did party... Not really, actually. When you're my age, you don't really know how to party anymore LOL! I mean, I like going out and all but it's just different now. Convenience is what's more important to me, like the bathroom, sleep, outfits, etc. I didn't really party a lot when I was younger but thinking about it now, I think I wouldn't have cared about the bathroom or my outfit as long as I was with friends and as long as I was getting drunk. LOL

We (my friends and I) went to experience the Sarbay Fest. I enjoyed the journey going there. Throwing jokes at the car as we drove, ate our baon and seeing places I thought I've already forgotten (since it wasn't my first time travelling that way). I enjoyed trying to sleep to prepare for the party in the evening, but I really couldn't because I listened to my friends talking and I laughed with them. It was sooo much fun!

When we got to the venue, our first challenge was the parking, and then when we finally got to the "tent city" which became our challenge the entire stay, it was awful- crowded and stinky. Not trying to sound maarte but I just couldn't... ugh! Okay, so since we were already there, we might as well just try to enjoy. We were so tired to cook, we decided that the men in our group grill the pork and fish we bought from Gensan Market. Yes, the tribe has spoken- "LET THE MEN DO THE COOKING!" ..and then we just bought rice from the stores nearby. The Spicy pork for dinner was awesome! (in all fairness)

Since we were oily and all, we wanted a deep in the sea, so we put on our swim suits! ...don't imagine too much though, we were just wearing shorts. LOL! Unfortunately, the shore was too crowded and some of our friends saw people pee at the shore. Imagine? Eww! People can be sooo messy and irresponsible sometimes. 

So we went back to our tent to put on our beach party outfits instead. As if! LOL.. 

That sums up the entire Sarbay experience. The morning after is more memorable, we went to another resort, a more decent one, for breakfast. We enjoyed the sea, the scenery and the food. We were able to take more decent pictures too haha! The mandatory travel pictures. (rolling eyes)

It was just a weekend adventure with my friends. Too bad some people weren't too happy about it. For God's sake, clean your dirty minds. I'm no longer young and stupid. Ever since (even when I was still young and stupid), I only do clean fun with my friends. Although I posted a bunch of liquor, I was just being a poser. It's an inside joke with me and my friends- the girls in the group being posers. Anyways, I don't wanna make a big deal out of it as I feel that it has already been taken a big deal- bigger than it should have been. I want to feel good when I remember it, so let's just move on. 

At least when my sons tell me that they're going out of town for a beach party, I can give them advises. I think it would also be cool to talk about when they're teens and I'm kind of old.. "kind of", you see I'm still in denial. LOL!!

More photos:


The "Tent City"


The liquor poser post LOL
I have to admit, I did taste them, but it's not my thing :)


Breakfast 


Being goofy in the car :D


Me ☻♥

I really want to put all the photos but I think they're redundant. Peace out, much love!

The Way You Make Me Feel

My birth month's almost over and so far it has been awesome. I want to say I couldn't ask for more, but the truth is, since I'm very happy and positive, all I want is to improve on all the things that I have and have been doing in my life. 

I'm not saying that I'm free from life issues, I'm not. I'm just choosing battles carefully, I guess. I have other things that I can focus my energy on- thank you!

I want to do the "Currently" stuff that I have been doing in my blog just so I can  update and sort out my feelings. It feels great to kind of express it into writing and I get to actually think deeply (deeply?lol) to ponder how things are. So let's see...

CURRENTLY

Reading
Emails.. well, spam emails LOL! I have a new role in the company and I believe the general email is now connected to my email, so I have been getting spam.

Writing 
I've paused on responding to some emails and now I'm starting to write my blog.

Listening 
To Twerk It Like Miley or whatever the title is. My agents like it so I downloaded it LOL


Thinking
Right now, I am thinking about a friend of mine who came from a really tough break up. It's hard to wake up one day realizing all the lies that your partner have been telling you. It's hard to accept that you've been lied to. Considering that you only wanted what is best for that person. It sucks to realize that you have different intentions. I hope I could wash away all her pain and I really hate it every time she mentions her past relationships with girls that hurt her. 

I am also thinking about my "Beshie", I introduced her yesterday to one of my closest friends from Abu Dhabi. He's Filipino, but we met in Abu Dhabi. It was a bit accidental because we just wanted to meet up and since I will be with someone, he asked me to bring a friend so he wouldn't be out of place. I thought about tagging my beshie along, since she's single and then I started thinking that they can actually be paired. They are both single and very good looking. So, I thought to myself, why not? Right? Well, I hope they click and find forever in each other.

Smelling
Nothing much, office air condition I guess?

Wishing
Whoa! First thing that popped out my mind is very private, sensitive and sort of nakakahiya (LOL)... So let me rephrase the sentences my brain is producing right now so I don't embarrass myself hahaha!!!

I just wish that this wouldn't end. I mean I know that things doesn't always stay permanent but I wish that we are headed to something awesome in our lives- love-life, career and endeavors.

Hoping
That the Duterte Administration will make a difference in the country. I am not trying to change the topic but every time I open my FB, I always see Duterte stuff and all I can do is hope and pray.

Wearing 
my Brown and Cream uniform. No pink uniform today LOL! I don't think I'll ever get to wear that uniform because it's too short now.

Loving
How things have improved in another aspect in my life. I'm just so thankful and I'm loving every bit of it.

Wanting
To start the new thing my friends and I want to start. I don't want to preempt it. So, let's just wait until everything is final.

Needing
Some new shoes and clothes. LOL! Hmm.. having thought of it in a more serious way, I realized that I need more time. It has been crazy these past few days, a lot have been going on and at one point I thought to myself that 24 hours in a day isn't really enough. There's so much that I want to do with my life that I want more hours in a day. LOL! I know it's funny (and crazy) but it makes a lot of sense for me. There's nothing I can do about it though, I will find a way to make things work, of course!

Feeling
Lucky and really Loved ♥
..and because of that, I feel very thankful too :)



One thing I really like about writing the "Currently" stuff is that I realize a lot of things as I end it. It's true that when you let go of things that hurt you, things that you cannot do anything about, you just need to accept it and that's when you can move on with life happily, very lightly but happy and carefree. I have never thought that I could be in this [happy] state. My life isn't perfect, believe me it's not. But I am appreciative of what I have and it makes me really happy. I have been in the deepest, darkest part of life and I thought that there was no getting out of it but I made it. Thank you Lord ^_^

Birthday Celebration 2016

My birthday celebration this year was a little complicated but still a lot of fun. It didn't start the way I wanted it to- my mama as usual... Thanks to Kai it didn't last that long. She video called me in FB and offered to show me her tits to stop me from crying. I laughed out loud instantly, she didn't need to show them to me (gross!). LOL!

At lunch, I went to Vikings and ate like a queen. I was showered with delicious food plate after plate (thank you po). Oh boy! Who would say no to the grasya, owmiged! After the feast, I couldn't even move. The draft beer contributed a lot to my about to be upset tummy. God, I couldn't burp. I needed to go around the buffet tables to feel better. I was mostly scared of puking in the resto, but I survived it! Yaaay! Will I do it again? YES :D

After lunch, we played bowling (to get rid of all the food we devoured at Vikings). At first I was beginning to feel like a pro bowler and then sucked at it a few minutes after, LOL! My partner was really good, he had some strikes and some spare but poor me almost didn't hit some pins in most of my turns. We lost because of me, but it was my birthday, so everyone was a good sport HAHA!

I bought roasted chickens and a lot of pancit canton for dinner. We ate at our house, where people was awkwardly annoying. My family is so conventional and didn't want to think outside the box. They were probably upset that I went out. I think it's just selfish. It was my birthday and I deserved to have fun. They always think that I'm putting my kids aside and I'm like- WHY THE F WOULD I??? They were okay when I bought food and then we (cha, kai and I) set up a little bonfire and spent some time with the kids having smores. The kids enjoyed it. I don't understand why they need to show that attitude instead of just being happy for me? Well, my rant against them will be in a different blog, I guess. 

Despite all their annoying-judging faces, I had fun. I was able to have fun with special people in my life who was happy to make me happy and, of course, my kids. 

So cheers to life at #30!

30th

Oh boy, time's flying so fast... I'll be 30 next week (Inshallah)! No biggie, really. I would always tell people that I still feel like I'm 24. It feels like I've never really changed at all. But when I get to talk to younger people, I can definitely tell the age difference (lol). It's true that experience is the best teacher, when you're older it means that you've experienced more than younger people did and I think that it's a great accomplishment. People my age doesn't need drama in our lives, I guess. Yes, we are emotional and all but we don't want to deal with it. We don't want to focus on it. I've written a lot of emotional sh*t here for sure, but it's just a phase in my life that I need to let out once in a while. 

Now that I'm 30, I feel like I'm old enough for a lot of things and old enough to have better opinions in life, such as...

Relationships: We (people my age) have already experienced a lot of heartbreak that we are better in relationships. We understand the opposite sex better than we did before. When I was younger everything was so ideal- a good guy spoils the girl, he should always hold the door for her, give her flowers, tell her sweet nothings, yadah yadah yahdah.. But now, I can say that being able to accept flaws, talking about differences and thinking about what's good for each other is more like what a relationship should be. We now know what to fight for and what to let go of (hopefully). It's not easy but who wants a fucked up relationship when the ocean's got plenty of fish? Right? #Goals

Family: Family is forever. They are the only ones who can accept you for who you are. They know your good and bad side but still loved you and are still there for you. They are the most important people in life. So, we take care of them and/or we argue with them but still we know that we're there for each other no matter what. Blood is thicker than water. #Mayforever

Friendships: By now, people my age (who took care of friendships) would have friends that they've kept for 10 years or more. These are friends that have become family. These are friends whom you trust the most that you can tell anything about and be who you really are without getting judged. These are people who've accepted you and your insanity. I have friends that I've been with since elementary and I'm so proud having them. I know that no matter what we can count on each other. I know that if we make mistakes we would be the first people to tell each other straight to our faces, we would always support and be happy for each others accomplishments and good relationships. We think about what's good for each other. It's true love- no insecurities and no competition. 

Career: When you're with the right people, they would encourage you to pursue a good career, support you and be happy for you. This is the time of anyone's life that you find your niche. It's the time that you plan and want more for yourself. When you desire something good, all the universe would conspire to help you, so be patient in life and just always do good. I always tell my kids that when you do good you'll never go wrong. Yes, sometimes people with bad intentions succeed in letting you down but believe that God will never leave your side and he will always give you something better. 

Thine self: At this age, you tend to love and respect yourself more. You're more comfortable about what you are because you know yourself better and you've wholeheartedly accepted your strengths and weaknesses. You know what you're good at so you highlight them. Just like wearing make up, you know you would look prettier with certain shades and, of course, it's what you always wear because you know it complements you. That is if you're not insecure. You see, insecurities eat up your well being, it blinds you from seeing the good that you're supposed to see in yourself. It's something that you should be able to identify in your personality so you can get over it. Knowing yourself- your strengths and weaknesses, you can easily identify what makes you happy and that's where you should focus your energy on. Sure there are things that make you feel bad and sad but you don't want to highlight it in your life because it wouldn't change anything. Hence, it would even make things worse. So, f*ck it! (I actually learned that recently from a good friend/co-worker/boss)

Just a brief warning though, don't be overly confident because too much of anything is poison. Sakto lang dapat :)

Life is imperfect but it's so beautiful. It's a gift that we need to preserve. So, now that I'm 30, I can happily say that I've learned a lot of lessons and I'm ready to apply them in the years to come. Everyday is a challenge of becoming a good person and a better person than you were the day before. Don't stress on it though, just appreciate life, always see good and positive things, then you'll be headed to the right direction. Commit mistakes and learn from them because it's part of life. 

Being able to write all these things have made me realize that I didn't have a lot of regrets in my life and although I'm not perfect, I've worked hard to always be on the good side to keep things together. I can look back and say that I've enjoyed 30 years of my life despite its flaws and complexities. I'm proud that I am living a life that I love, I'm happy, contented, positive and always striving to get the best out of my life :) ♥

Commitment is A Sad Love Affair

When the pain is so overwhelming, you wouldn't even know which words to use, it's better to just paint a picture...

You are emotionally unstable, you are emotionally insecure. you make things tragic BITCH so go screw yourself!!! You unworthy piece of shit!!! -The way you made me feel.. yes, it was tragic indeed.

She's Knows.... She's Stupid

"I have a lot of shortcomings, I know. But I can't give you anything more. This is the only kind of relationship I could give you. So, if you find someone new  or someone better, I will not get mad. I will totally understand. Just tell me and don't lie to me." he said. 

Those words kept reechoing in her mind and heart. She kept asking "Why can't he do more? Am I not worthy? After all that we have been through, you're willing to just let me go like that, because you just don't want to do or give more? Why? Damn it, he's telling me (straight to my face) that -I AM NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR YOU, CUZ YOU'RE JUST NOT WORTH IT GIRL." She felt her heart melt as if someone poured acid to it. 

It only took six sentences for him to break her heart. It tore everything that she believed they had. It pounded her dreams into pieces. ONLY SIX SENTENCES crushed her world. That's how he meant to her but he just doesn't see it, doesn't even give value to it. He just keeps on accusing her of things she was afraid to do because she knew it would mean losing him. But then again, it doesn't matter because she can go whenever she wants to- when she finds someone better. She's confused because to her he was everything- everything she ever wanted and admired. "Would there be someone really better?" She wondered deeply and secretly hoped there would be because she knew she didn't deserve any of that, she knows it by heart. 

Though she hopes that someone would come along to save her from loving someone who couldn't love her back the same way, she still wants him to change and appreciate her someday. She's beginning to get tired carrying such a heavy heart though. She knows it's stupid but she loves him.

Happy Monday :)

I feel the need to update my blog right now- on a Monday morning, while waiting for my boss (crush), Sir Mike, to ping me so we can talk about my new project. I am super happy and excited about it. I just watched the video tutorial and everything looks good. It's an eBay data entry account. But right now, I am in a meeting with Daven. We're doing some role playing for a new script. I kind of miss the old vibe. I don't know, something about the culture now-a-days that makes me not feel right about it. Anyway, it could just be me, no biggy.

So, let's continue in updating my current state of mind. Let's see what comes out :)

Currently

Reading

Some information about the script, mostly work stuff.

Writing

This blog and some details in the meeting.

Listening

To Daven do the training. I wish I could listen to some music. My energy's getting low right now. Although, most of the things we're discussing makes sense to me, it's tiring. Anyway, I'll just get this over with.

Good thing Sir William came to get me to have a meeting with Sir Mike, yes, that's another meeting. But unlike any other meetings, I am excited to see Sir Mike. He's been my favorite crush and he's the only crush I announce publicly. 

Thinking

About the new project. I am so excited. I want to make it grow so that I will also grow in this company and widen my horizons. For a lot of years, I have been under 123Employee and I love it so much. I think it's about time to also see greener fields and I am willing to work really hard to make it work and grow. By God's will and grace, I know I can. Thank you, Lord :)

Smelling

Fart. LOL. I'm just kidding. I am smelling my own perfume. Thanks to you.

Wishing

That things will be great. That no matter what problems would arise, I am equipped to face it and still be positive about life. The year has just begun and I can say that so far it's been good. It started in a slow pace for me but I look forward for great things to come. Positive lang!

Hoping

To finally free myself from all the negative people in my life. I used to get really affected with their opinion, with their stare or even when they try to say stuff using some "idiomatic" expressions pertaining to me, as if I don't get it (I'm not that stupid, duuhh), but now I can say that I've finally learned how to overcome them and not be affected by it for my own sake.

Wearing

HAHA! My pink uniform :) I wear this every Monday. FYI-

Loving

How things are in my life right now. My boys are good and as always we enjoy each others company. Having them by my side, makes me feel that nothing could really go wrong that no matter what we will always survive and get through every trial in our lives. We will stick together and will always be there for each other.

Wanting

security- that's all. 

Needing

Money to shop. LOL. 

...and some good good lovin' :D

Also, I need some meditation and I need to reflect on a few things. Is this really what I want? 

Feeling

Happy because I will again be handling people which is my first love. Excited to make this new baby work and grow, so I can earn more $$$. And confused (and sad) because of what you said in the bank.

After that small statement or even phrase in the bank, a lot of not so good statements you've said before followed. So, now I'm kind of lost. Anyway, I got lots in my plate and lots of reasons to be busy. I will just leave it as is for now. 

Tomorrow is introduction day and training with the client. Super psyched! I wanna sleep right away and be ready for tomorrow's shift. 

Hopefully, I will be able to update my blog about the client and the training. Apparently, writing for me needs inspiration. It's like water, when it pours, it totally pours :)