Photographs, Memories and Heartaches

I really want to cry right now….

I was comforting a so-much-younger-friend earlier as she’s facing a big break-up. OMG! When I was her age, I was madly in love with my ex- the father of my kids. I never knew a lot of heartache when I was younger. The first time I cried was when I first broke up with my first boyfriend. I was brokenhearted for about 3 days. LOL! We broke up Saturday, I was crying with my teddy bear, feeling cute like I was in some teenage movie drama, cried when I saw my best friends in school and then forgot about it the next day. HAHAHA! The next time I cried was when I thought I was in love my guy best friend, which I kind of figured when I aged more, that it was more of me being jealous of the thought that these girls (his many girlfriends) are trying to steal my only guy best friend who took really good care of me. The next time I cried was when my baby-daddy left me and the kids. That was a big blow. I don’t know if it helped my friend but I kind of told her “well, I had 2 kids with him and still he left, you’re even luckier!” LOL!  I know that no matter what you tell a person who’s in her position wouldn’t really understand anything. They wouldn’t take any of your advices. They just don’t want to be alone while they deal with the loss and while they imagine all the good things they’ve had with the person.

Even if I tried to appear strong in front of her, I wanted to cry sooo badly. God! I’m only human and I have memories. I do remember how pain got its claws over me. Damn! When my baby-daddy chose another girl over the pregnant me, yes, I was pregnant with our second child (my Darling Zaak) it felt like my head was expanding and that it’s going to blow when it reaches its peak. My entire body froze realizing that I can’t do anything because I was just seated in front of the computer and he was there in Abu Dhabi. Yes, the bastard broke up with me through WeChat. I felt very unworthy. I forgot about my own value and begged and begged and begged him not to leave me. I begged him to come home and give us a chance to be with him that maybe it would change his mind. Still, it didn’t work. The Bastard didn’t reply. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a very heavy chest, as if a hollow block was on top of it. I would get up, drink water, check my damn Wechat thinking that he might have come into his senses and sent me a message. But still he didn’t. It felt like it was the end of the world. I was telling myself that no one would ever love a single mom like me. I have 2 kids!!! If ever someone would want to be with me, it would be for sex- not love. I was insane.

BUT it was all just a phase. People go through heartaches for some time in each other’s lives. As I was trying to make her feel better, I thought about things that she could do to somehow change something, ex: wardrobe etc. And then I thought about cutting her hair, relating to an experience I had when I was younger. As I was telling her about what happened, I kind of miss the person. I searched for him in Facebook but I realized he’s blocked me, good thing I found him on Linkedin though! LOL! I was happy seeing him. I wonder how he is. WAIT! Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I want to be with him again. I’m totally happy with my life now, super! (Thank you Lord) I don’t want to ruin it. It’s just that he was nothing but a sweet memory to me. Thinking about what we’ve had makes me smile. It was sweet, innocent, clean… and BAWAL. He’s not married, we both weren’t. HAHA! Alright, enough!

My friend may be in deep pain right now, but I’m sure she will get over it as long as she helps herself. Pain demands to be felt, yes, but it ends. So, don’t worry too much. There will always be someone better who will come into your life and make you happier, someone who will accept you for who you are- someone who knows you’re clumsy, stubborn and sometimes a dork but still accept you. Someone who would just laugh at your mistakes, comfort you and will make sure that you wouldn’t commit the same mistakes again. It sounds impossible but it’s possible. Just dream, believe and survive!