S O O N :) ♥

Not Knowing

Staring at the computer, waiting for a reply... I thought of just painting. I've never painted in my life- except of course in elementary and high school art projects where I used water color and traced the images from books. I have no idea about drawing interpretations as well but this came out of nowhere.

Well, if I were to assess my own drawing- I mean, dude, the girl is crying, she's frowning and her lipstick's even messed up... needless to say she's fucked up. Am I fucked up? I don't think so... All I feel now is the "not knowing" feeling. It's been a while since I last wrote on my blog and the next thing you hear from me is this? boom!

No, don't be too quick to judge. I am well- not suicidal.. not even close to that LOL. I am freaking bored here! Am I waiting for an answer? Or was my message seen but ignored? I am starting to get pissed about this not knowing situation. Argh! Please don't connect this in my lovelife. I know people could be so nosy and are always concerned about your romantic relationship. I am good at that part. I mean, there are struggles here and there but we're definitely steady. Crap! Why am I even explaining?

Yeah yeah.. I am alone here waiting and waiting and waiting...

So, I ran out of stuff to write about.. I got soo bored writing about being bored. LOL! 

Reading my past blog, it's all about valentine's day or month. God, I get really embarrassed when I let myself open up like that. Guess I was just happy of the gesture. My candid self if just cute and annoying HAHAHA!

My Valentine's day was really sweet. I knew from the very beginning (because we've been friends for a long time) that he doesn't at all do anything romantic- that he's not thoughtful (not thoughtful enough for him even though he always thinks about my favorite food and favorite things) and he's just NOT at all the sweet boyfriend type (makes me laugh every time I remember how cheesy he was). 

Maybe people change... He showed up at my kid's school, hid the flowers in his back pack, pulled me in one corner and gave them to me. I didn't know how to react because I was caught by surprise. I thanked him, gave him a kiss and we really had a hard time taking a cute artistic picture of it. We're too old for pictures but we do want to document it [FOR OURSELVES, not for social media]. On our way out of the school, there vendors that sold flowers and he bought more for me. Awww.. 

Then he took me out for breakfast at my favorite pork belly restaurant. It's just a small local restaurant but I love their pork belly and chili sauce. After breakfast we went to the mall, bought more food (he knows how they make me really happy) and then watched 50 shades of Grey. He's not comfortable seeing me "go kiliging" about it because he thinks I'm all kilig about Christian (he's a jealous guy, it doesn't show but he is and he admits it! lol). But really, it's not about Christian, it's about Christian and Ana as a couple. Oh boy, they're sooo cute :)

I mean, most couples are 50 shades darker in their own way. Most of them may not be BDSM but they (we) do love great sex and love each other so much. You like to be naughty with your partner. If not, what are you still doing with that person? Right? 

Enough with Valentine's it's already April LOL! Damn it's sooo hot in the afternoons. They make me really sick! You go outside and within seconds you sweat like you've been jogging. 

God I miss blogging so much! It's a great way to remind yourself about things that make you really happy and even the things that you dislike or make you pissed. It's a great reflection of how colorful your life is. When I die (God forbid, not too soon please), people would read this and hear my voice on their heads. Isinusumpa ko sa ngalan ng kulot kong buhok! LOL

Well, with that being said- thank you Lord! Thank you for a great life =) 

Valentine's Story First Edition

Although a lot of people see me as someone “OA” or “Pabebe”, I get really uncomfortable on sweet mushy things. I’m not big on Valentine's, Anniversaries and I’ve never celebrated a Monthsary (LOL!). Although my ex (the father of my children) always remembers our “Monthsary” and he always gives me chocolates or flowers. Sometimes I forget about it and when it happens, I would pretend as if I was testing if he remembered (LOL!). There goes one of my deepest darkest secrets, it no longer matters anyway. Hahaha!

But this time is different. I guess F. Scott Fitzgelad was right when he said- 

There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. 

Earlier today as I was wrapping up lunch, he bought some candies as usual and waited for me to finish so we can head back to work. He handed me one of the candies and just like a child he asked me to read the note at the back of the candy wrapper first. I obediently read the note and it just made my entire day, month or even year happier!

I couldn't take a more decent pic. I took a bunch but I couldn't find the right angle. I got tired trying. LOL!

  

I guess it’s early Valentine's for your Lola! I still blush and giggle (from the inside) each time I remember. These sweet nothings have such a great impact on me! It's a really nice feeling. I mean, it's nice to know that he reads the notes at the back of the candy (LOL) and thought about me. Awww sweetness. 

I don't really go out on Valentine's day because I think it's too crowded and it stresses me a lot. So, I either go out before or after it. Last weekend we went for a massage and Ventosa. It was such a great Valentine's treat! Thank you!

Sinimplehan lang namin Bes!

Catching Up =)

I have written a thousand drafts saying sorry for not being able to cope up, for not being able to write about updates and they always just end up in the drafts. By the time that I've freed up my desk, I just couldn't relate to it anymore. 

So, I am now writing a very short sorry message for myself for not being able to write how awesome things have been in the past few months. I don't know if anyone ever gets to read my blogs but I am apologizing to myself as I am writing things in my own entertainment and if you are entertained as well and is following my blog for whatever purpose (lol), OH my! Thank you and I guess I'm sorry too. 

Like I mentioned, things were so awesome towards the end of 2016 and in the beginning of 2017. Self acceptance and knowing what you want and embracing what you are and where you stand definitely creates so much difference. I am proud to have overcome all those challenges. My heart is overwhelmed with so much genuine kindness and love to spread out to everyone. 

I have not been able to write because juggling 2 different types of work and tasks, being a mother and so much more is such a great thing to be busy about. Maybe back then I had a hard time expressing myself and maybe I was mostly confused of how I feel about things. Thankfully, before my 2016 ended, I was able to just sip some soda and let things slide. My biggest inspiration are my boys. They keep me going, they are my joy and my life. Just sitting with them on the couch watching American Ninja Warrior or whatever is all it takes to take stress away...and of course, you, who tirelessly tries to understand every single craziness within me. 

I was thinking about you earlier. It's kind of funny how I think about you and miss you when we're not together and how irritated I am (sometimes) when you're with me. LOL! Sometimes I murmur and tell myself, how could I be with this annoying person. But then I end up realizing that this annoying person is the one who saves me when things aren't really going well. I do appreciate all your efforts although sometimes the stubborn girl in me cringes every time you try to help me and dissect things. Please understand that I am an independent person who's used to fixing things on my own. BUT then again, I appreciate all your efforts to take care of me. No matter how hard it could get sometimes. Thank you for accepting me for the kind of person that I am. Your "one sided" love is just the best! LOL! Whatever we have, we are happy about it and there ain't no need to justify and correct other people's opinion. 

The beginning of 2017 was awesome for me and my family! I may not always talk about my family but for me they're the best. Just like other families, we fight over tone of voice, etc. but we love each other unconditionally and we will always stick to each other no matter how provoking each of us can get. I am really thankful to God almighty for always being there for us. I lift everything up to you my Lord and my God.. I know (faithfully) all will be well.

Goodbye, M.D.

I was getting ready to sleep when I saw posts from friends that they’ve passed the med board exam, that they are now officially “First Last Name, MD”. How cool is that! I was happy congratulating everyone. When I suddenly thought of you, it’s not that I don’t think of you anymore, because I honestly do. This one’s just a little pinch in the heart. Have you passed? I googled the names and there you are…. Ryg MOHbKEL NLhfe, MD. Wow! Boy! I was very happy, I almost jumped from my seat. I wanted to cheer so loudly for you. I wanted to see your smile and your happiness. I’m sure you’d be ecstatic. We would have jumped while hugging each other… our smiles, cheers and laughter with your family and friends.

But because of a sudden twist of fate a few years back, I am not going to celebrate with you, sadly. Although I’ve been part of most of the difficult years when you were starting med school, I won’t be there to kiss, hug and congratulate you. I have imagined that day for so many times- How I’m going to rejoice with you and what I’m going to wear on your victory party.

We both had shortcomings. We both contributed to the death of our love. But today, as you rejoice, I am breaking down. Don’t get me wrong, I wish you really well. I want the best for you, believe me.

It’s just that now that you passed the board, I know what happens next. I know because that was our plan. That was once our plan. It sucks that I’m no longer part of it now. You are making our dreams reality… but not with me, but with her.

There are times that I would wake up in the middle of the night wanting to invent a time machine to make things right in the past. It’s just not how things work. In this world, in order for you to win, you need to move on. It’s hard but I know I can do this. I can fix myself and find my forever. I still believe in love.

As for you, since I wouldn’t be able to congratulate you ever, I am writing this for you. I pray to God that he showers you with blessings because you deserve it. Goodbye to our past and cheers to our future! Not together but I know a lot of great things await each of us. You hold a special spot in my heart. Thanks for everything.

Photographs, Memories and Heartaches

I really want to cry right now….

I was comforting a so-much-younger-friend earlier as she’s facing a big break-up. OMG! When I was her age, I was madly in love with my ex- the father of my kids. I never knew a lot of heartache when I was younger. The first time I cried was when I first broke up with my first boyfriend. I was brokenhearted for about 3 days. LOL! We broke up Saturday, I was crying with my teddy bear, feeling cute like I was in some teenage movie drama, cried when I saw my best friends in school and then forgot about it the next day. HAHAHA! The next time I cried was when I thought I was in love my guy best friend, which I kind of figured when I aged more, that it was more of me being jealous of the thought that these girls (his many girlfriends) are trying to steal my only guy best friend who took really good care of me. The next time I cried was when my baby-daddy left me and the kids. That was a big blow. I don’t know if it helped my friend but I kind of told her “well, I had 2 kids with him and still he left, you’re even luckier!” LOL!  I know that no matter what you tell a person who’s in her position wouldn’t really understand anything. They wouldn’t take any of your advices. They just don’t want to be alone while they deal with the loss and while they imagine all the good things they’ve had with the person.

Even if I tried to appear strong in front of her, I wanted to cry sooo badly. God! I’m only human and I have memories. I do remember how pain got its claws over me. Damn! When my baby-daddy chose another girl over the pregnant me, yes, I was pregnant with our second child (my Darling Zaak) it felt like my head was expanding and that it’s going to blow when it reaches its peak. My entire body froze realizing that I can’t do anything because I was just seated in front of the computer and he was there in Abu Dhabi. Yes, the bastard broke up with me through WeChat. I felt very unworthy. I forgot about my own value and begged and begged and begged him not to leave me. I begged him to come home and give us a chance to be with him that maybe it would change his mind. Still, it didn’t work. The Bastard didn’t reply. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a very heavy chest, as if a hollow block was on top of it. I would get up, drink water, check my damn Wechat thinking that he might have come into his senses and sent me a message. But still he didn’t. It felt like it was the end of the world. I was telling myself that no one would ever love a single mom like me. I have 2 kids!!! If ever someone would want to be with me, it would be for sex- not love. I was insane.

BUT it was all just a phase. People go through heartaches for some time in each other’s lives. As I was trying to make her feel better, I thought about things that she could do to somehow change something, ex: wardrobe etc. And then I thought about cutting her hair, relating to an experience I had when I was younger. As I was telling her about what happened, I kind of miss the person. I searched for him in Facebook but I realized he’s blocked me, good thing I found him on Linkedin though! LOL! I was happy seeing him. I wonder how he is. WAIT! Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I want to be with him again. I’m totally happy with my life now, super! (Thank you Lord) I don’t want to ruin it. It’s just that he was nothing but a sweet memory to me. Thinking about what we’ve had makes me smile. It was sweet, innocent, clean… and BAWAL. He’s not married, we both weren’t. HAHA! Alright, enough!

My friend may be in deep pain right now, but I’m sure she will get over it as long as she helps herself. Pain demands to be felt, yes, but it ends. So, don’t worry too much. There will always be someone better who will come into your life and make you happier, someone who will accept you for who you are- someone who knows you’re clumsy, stubborn and sometimes a dork but still accept you. Someone who would just laugh at your mistakes, comfort you and will make sure that you wouldn’t commit the same mistakes again. It sounds impossible but it’s possible. Just dream, believe and survive!

Sorry August...but thank you, you've been GREAT!

I’m really really feeling sorry for myself for not being able to write anything in my blog the entire August. I promised myself to have entries every damn month! How come? There were so many interesting things that happened to me last month. I hope I was able to share it on time. Got so busy with work, tasks changed and I needed to be on top of things.   

Last month was special because I got to be with her. I mean, I have been around her for a lot of times but last month was different. We were “alone”, just us – not afraid to show what we truly are. I wanted to avoid being close to her because she's old enough to have opinions of her own and I was afraid that she wouldn’t like me. But it went pretty cool, we had plenty of laughs and I think that she’s such a darling. I’m happy to be her friend =)

What a shame for me to miss updating my August blog and yet right now I am literally staring at my computer without any clue what to write about.

So, why don’t I just do the “Currently”, let’s see what comes out…

Currently

Reading

The new script for a new project…

Writing

This blog, I don’t really have much to do today because the tasks assigned to me will start tomorrow and my other agents aren’t here because it’s a US holiday.

Listening

To Marry Me by Train, this song makes me fall in love over and over again. Someday, yes I do!  

When I wanna go easy on mornings, I listen to these types of songs. They set a good mood.

Later I will listen to closer by The Chainsmokers, Andrew Taggart is such a hottie ^_^

Thinking

Nothing, I just wanted to take a moment and be inspired by the song… and then I thought to myself, “Will I ever get married?” Urgh, this darn song! I’ve always wanted to be a good wife to a good man/husband, honestly. I want to take care of a home. I want to have a complete family. I want a man who will be a good father to my 2 adorable boys. I want them to look up to a good man- someone who learned from his mistakes.

I want us to travel together as a family. I bet that would be fun! Ohhh, I want so many things. Bless us, Dear God. ♥

Smelling

Coffee from the vendo and my own cologne J

Wishing

Wishing, hoping and believing are 3 different things. I don’t want to keep wishing (and hoping) for significant things in life because I believe that I don’t need to wish since I’m living by it right now. I know that everything that’s happening will lead me to where I’m supposed to be. So, I guess, it’s better to wish for more coffee and some ice cream. Oh yeah baby!!

 

Hoping

Like I said, hope is not having faith because faith would tell you that all is well and that all you gotta do is wait for things to fall into place. However, hoping is being unsure that things will happen. It’s like I hope that this and that will happen, but if not then I’m gonna have to deal with whatever’s laid upon me. I am faithful and not hopeful. My faith never failed me.

Wearing

My maroon turtle neck and gray “puruntong”. It’s Monday today and I’m not allowed to wear my pink uniform because it’s too short.

Loving

Life! I mean, it sure is imperfect but there are more than enough reasons to be thankful for. Especially my boys- their voices, their scent, their kisses and hugs are all that matters to me.

Wanting

Peace on earth! There was bombing at Roxas Street about 3 days ago and every time I see updates in my newsfeed, I couldn’t help but feel brokenhearted about it. How could people be so wicked!? How could they stand seeing bloodied corpses knowing that those people are loved and needed? How could they stand hearing people cry? God is faithful, he is just. He will bestow what people deserve.

Sometimes when I think about it, people are really capable of creating something really wicked. I mean, people can even be wicked in small things like, when they are  envious or get jealous, people tend to say hateful things and think about things to bring people down, even if it’s not their fault, even if it’s them who should sort things out within themselves. May hugot ba ako? Nagpapaliwanag lang! lol!

Needing

To cut my hair and have it rebonded. Final na! Paparebond ko na, I can’t help it. I tried to keep it curly but it’s really hard to manage. Fixing it takes time. I just wanna be able to comb it and it’s good for the next 12 hours or so. LOL! Yes, I seldom comb my hair. As long as it looks intact, I’m cool with it. Yes, tamad ako fixing it.

Feeling

Hungry! In just a few minutes I will eat like a queen! (..And so I did!)

So, there you go! That sums up my entire August. All love and positivity lang!

I am constantly praying for the victims of the bombing and I am praying for everyone’s safety. There are still a lot of Intel reports that are being passed on from friends or in FB posts, I am not sure whether they’re true but it still scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to live feeling this way though; this is not what Christ wants for us. We should live and enjoy the life that he has given his life for.

We are already winners! Let’s claim it. We shall surpass this. Whatever problems we may have, it is well and it is done. We are victorious!