Today is boring... nothing much to do. I mean, it's not that there's nothing that I need to do but there's nothing extra, everything has been taken care of. I am not that busy and therefore I have time to write on my blog. I faced the computer and tried to think about a topic but I ran out of ideas. I guess my brain wanted to let it pass and take a rest. Anyway, since I am bored and thought that writing on my blog would be a great way to eat up my time here in the office, I asked Norvie (my seatmate) what she would want me to write about. She first wanted me to write about motherhood but I declined cuz I get really emotional when it comes to my kids. I've actually avoided writing about them here because I know I would really cry and be emotional for the entire day. So, since I declined to write about motherhood, she instead asked me to write about moving on... wow! That ain't so bad at all. I can actually write about it (I think). Let's see...
So my past relationship didn't work out well. My kids' Dad left us more than a year ago. He cheated, he cheated with his workmate and now he's with another workmate (LOL). I never really knew he'd be like this. He was totally different when we were still here in the Philippines. He left the country to give his and OUR family good future- the standard OFW reason. But really things change when you get there. It's like an entirely different world or dimension. You get to learn different things (things that are way better than what we have here in PH), different culture (totally fascinating) and you meet a lot of people who could influence you in many many different ways. We can't really do anything about it, change is the only thing that is constant in the world. Change isn't really as bad as what you think it is. Change is good when it's for the better. The power to change is a big responsibility as it is tempting oftentimes. The one thing that defies it, I guess, is FOCUS. Going back to the "donor" of my kids, he didn't handle it too well. He totally lost it. He wasn't focused enough to win change. He drowned and changed totally. I think he thinks it's for the better. Well, maybe it is. I don't really know for sure. All I know is that my life is more of an advantage right now than when I was still with him. I guess it's where the saying "Everything happens for a reason" comes. Although I have fears and I feel sorry for my kids every time I realize that I failed to give them a complete normal family, we are happy. I strive hard to not make them feel something is wrong. I guess I can never move on from that part. I will forever be brokenhearted for my kids. BUT this doesn't mean I am willing to take him back again. He's done so much damage already and CHEATERS will always be cheaters. I do not want him anywhere near us. He chose that path then he should stay there and stick to the choice he's made.
The moving on process wasn't very long for me, at least that's what I think. Thanks to my friends and family who worked really hard to help me go through that dark chapter of my life. It's true that pain changes people. It's like you having a hard time climbing that mountain and conquering it- you are never the same, you no longer have the same beliefs and fears. A part of you changes whether you like it or not. But it's your choice to either become better or miserable. I was still pregnant when he left us. I tried so hard to overcome the insecurities of being pregnant without a partner. I think that was the hardest phase. I wanted revenge. I wanted her dead for befriending and deceiving me. I wanted to avenge my children. I was a beast deep inside. I've always imagined a slow and miserable death for her. But family and friends told me to put it aside since I was still pregnant. I/we cannot do anything yet since I am still pregnant. They told me to wait when my little one's born before we do something. So I took responsibility and took care of my baby. Until I learned and loved taking care of him. I made sure that he was healthy and normal. I also enjoyed a suitor's attention. Oh yes, (mahaba ang hair) I had a suitor even when I was pregnant (ewww and LOL). He was away from the city, we only texted each other and he calls on weekends. He is a nurse and I liked talking to him cuz he gave me tons of advises on my pregnancy. I think him being away and not seeing me pregnant helped. He still liked me. I knew it wasn't serious though. I think it was his "chickboy" nature. I didn't care about it really. I didn't love or like him that much. I just used his attention to feel good about myself. I am still wanted, I am still attractive even when I was pregnant. It helped me a lot and although I no longer communicate with him now, I am still thankful cuz he's helped me a lot.
When Izaak was born, I cried so hard in the delivery room. The doctors were telling me to stop cuz I've already given birth and that there's nothing that I should fear or cry about. They didn't understand me, they didn't know. It felt like all my pain and anger were flushed with the blood that went out of my system as I gave birth. I didn't feel any anger, I felt peace and love. I didn't care about revenge anymore. To me it was a waste of energy and time. I've asked God a thousand times why did I have to get pregnant when he knew that "the donor" had plans to leave us. I realized its purpose the moment Zaak was born. I concentrated on taking care of my kids and myself. I taught myself to find happiness within us- what we have left. I worked so hard to teach myself to FOCUS. He wrecked us and it would be unfair if I allow him to continue destroying us. I enjoyed myself in taking care of us 3. I made sure my kids' needs are provided and I made sure that I felt BEAUTIFUL.
To give you some tips, below are my steps to move on:
1. Endure the pain.
2. Work hard on getting over it- cry, laugh, drink, go clubbing, meet other people, find a new hobby... the possibilities are endless.
3. Focus on positive things.
4. Avoid thinking about him / her.
5. Love yourself first.
6. Be willing to go through the process and follow the advises of people who genuinely love you.
Actually there are a lot of things that I can put in there if I spend the entire day thinking and remembering everything but the above steps would be a good start.
I can't say that I no longer feel pain cuz like what I said I will forever be brokenhearted for my kids but I've accepted it and I am willing to NOT dwell on it and I will continue to find happiness. Right now, I am truly thankful for the love that my kids give me. That
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If you're brokenhearted right now, don't let yourself drown on the emotions. There's a rainbow after the storm. There is an end to that pain. You will find someone new. Someone who will tell you you're beautiful and would be willing to sacrifice and spend time with you. You will find that new person, have faith. Life is beautiful- we just need to go through pain and suffering to appreciate its worth and beauty. Stay positive. Focus on things that make you happy and grow as a person. Hang in there, the pain will end SOON. ♥
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