Saturday Night Fever

What is it with Saturdays and the office comfort room??? I just came out of there and AGAIN something weird happened. When I went inside the cubicle, it felt normal, I didn't feel anything freaky or anything of that sort. It was just a normal day and I needed to pee. It was still very early so there were a lot of people around. The entire office was lively and not at all eerie. 

While in the cubicle, I could hear a man talking. I am just not sure whether there were 2 voices talking or it was just 1 voice talking. I was hearing a man whispering as if he/they were gossiping. "Kinsa na pud kaya ni ilang gi libak?" I thought to myself. As I continued peeing, I really wanted to eves drop on their topic but since we were in the comfort room and they were whispering, I couldn't make out what they were talking about. 

The moment I was done, I "jumped" out of the cubicle right away with the hope of seeing the guys gossiping. To my surprise, it was just my officemate, Jade, checking herself out in the mirror. "Hala wala diay tao?" I asked myself (confused and surprised). I was looking around to see if there were other people around but there was none. I tried to analize the time that I heard them and the time I got out of the cubicle. I knew I still heard "them" when I opened the knob, I should have seen them go out of the comfort room. 

That feeling when you realize that no one wasn't really there. The reason why I couldn't understand the "gossip" is because the voices were from some supernatural beings? But I tried to give it the benefit of the doubt. Since I wasn't able to ask Jade about it while we were still in the room, I went to see her in her work station and asked if there were guys talking before I went out of the cubicle or did she see some guys talking before she entered. But she said it was just us and that she also noticed my reaction was kind of off when I went out.

2 things:

1. I have third eye

2. I am going crazy

Go figure!

How To Move On

Today is boring... nothing much to do. I mean, it's not that there's nothing that I need to do but there's nothing extra, everything has been taken care of. I am not that busy and therefore I have time to write on my blog. I faced the computer and tried to think about a topic but I ran out of ideas. I guess my brain wanted to let it pass and take a rest. Anyway, since I am bored and thought that writing on my blog would be a great way to eat up my time here in the office, I asked Norvie (my seatmate) what she would want me to write about. She first wanted me to write about motherhood but I declined cuz I get really emotional when it comes to my kids. I've actually avoided writing about them here because I know I would really cry and be emotional for the entire day. So, since I declined to write about motherhood, she instead asked me to write about moving on... wow! That ain't so bad at all. I can actually write about it (I think). Let's see...

So my past relationship didn't work out well. My kids' Dad left us more than a year ago. He cheated, he cheated with his workmate and now he's with another workmate (LOL). I never really knew he'd be like this. He was totally different when we were still here in the Philippines. He left the country to give his and OUR family good future- the standard OFW reason. But really things change when you get there. It's like an entirely different world or dimension. You get to learn different things (things that are way better than what we have here in PH), different culture (totally fascinating) and you meet a lot of people who could influence you in many many different ways. We can't really do anything about it, change is the only thing that is constant in the world. Change isn't really as bad as what you think it is. Change is good when it's for the better. The power to change is a big responsibility as it is tempting oftentimes. The one thing that defies it, I guess, is FOCUS. 

Going back to the "donor" of my kids, he didn't handle it too well. He totally lost it. He wasn't focused enough to win change. He drowned and changed totally. I think he thinks it's for the better. Well, maybe it is. I don't really know for sure. All I know is that my life is more of an advantage right now than when I was still with him. I guess it's where the saying "Everything happens for a reason" comes. Although I have fears and I feel sorry for my kids every time I realize that I failed to give them a complete normal family, we are happy. I strive hard to not make them feel something is wrong. I guess I can never move on from that part. I will forever be brokenhearted for my kids. BUT this doesn't mean I am willing to take him back again. He's done so much damage already and CHEATERS will always be cheaters. I do not want him anywhere near us. He chose that path then he should stay there and stick to the choice he's made. 

The moving on process wasn't very long for me, at least that's what I think. Thanks to my friends and family who worked really hard to help me go through that dark chapter of my life. It's true that pain changes people. It's like you having a hard time climbing that mountain and conquering it- you are never the same, you no longer have the same beliefs and fears. A part of you changes whether you like it or not. But it's your choice to either become better or miserable. I was still pregnant when he left us. I tried so hard to overcome the insecurities of being pregnant without a partner. I think that was the hardest phase. I wanted revenge. I wanted her dead for befriending and deceiving me. I wanted to avenge my children. I was a beast deep inside. I've always imagined a slow and miserable death for her. But family and friends told me to put it aside since I was still pregnant. I/we cannot do anything yet since I am still pregnant. They told me to wait when my little one's born before we do something. So I took responsibility and took care of my baby. Until I learned and loved taking care of him. I made sure that he was healthy and normal. I also enjoyed a suitor's attention. Oh yes, (mahaba ang hair) I had a suitor even when I was pregnant (ewww and LOL). He was away from the city, we only texted each other and he calls on weekends. He is a nurse and I liked talking to him cuz he gave me tons of advises on my pregnancy. I think him being away and not seeing me pregnant helped. He still liked me. I knew it wasn't serious though. I think it was his "chickboy" nature. I didn't care about it really. I didn't love or like him that much. I just used his attention to feel good about myself. I am still wanted, I am still attractive even when I was pregnant. It helped me a lot and although I no longer communicate with him now, I am still thankful cuz he's helped me a lot. 

When Izaak was born, I cried so hard in the delivery room. The doctors were telling me to stop cuz I've already given birth and that there's nothing that I should fear or cry about. They didn't understand me, they didn't know. It felt like all my pain and anger were flushed with the blood that went out of my system as I gave birth. I didn't feel any anger, I felt peace and love. I didn't care about revenge anymore. To me it was a waste of energy and time. I've asked God a thousand times why did I have to get pregnant when he knew that "the donor" had plans to leave us. I realized its purpose the moment Zaak was born. I concentrated on taking care of my kids and myself. I taught myself to find happiness within us- what we have left. I worked so hard to teach myself to FOCUS. He wrecked us and it would be unfair if I allow him to continue destroying us. I enjoyed myself in taking care of us 3. I made sure my kids' needs are provided and I made sure that I felt BEAUTIFUL. 

To give you some tips, below are my steps to move on:

1. Endure the pain.

2. Work hard on getting over it- cry, laugh, drink, go clubbing, meet other people, find a new hobby... the possibilities are endless.

3. Focus on positive things.

4. Avoid thinking about him / her.

5. Love yourself first.

6. Be willing to go through the process and follow the advises of people who genuinely love you.

Actually there are a lot of things that I can put in there if I spend the entire day thinking and remembering everything but the above steps would be a good start. 

I can't say that I no longer feel pain cuz like what I said I will forever be brokenhearted for my kids but I've accepted it and I am willing to NOT dwell on it and I will continue to find happiness. Right now, I am truly thankful for the love that my kids give me. That

alone gives me contentment and happiness. PLUS, he is making me happy. No presure, no rush, we're just happy :)

If you're brokenhearted right now, don't let yourself drown on the emotions. There's a rainbow after the storm. There is an end to that pain. You will find someone new. Someone who will tell you you're beautiful and would be willing to sacrifice and spend time with you. You will find that new person, have faith. Life is beautiful- we just need to go through pain and suffering to appreciate its worth and beauty. Stay positive. Focus on things that make you happy and grow as a person. Hang in there, the pain will end SOON. ♥

Humming Lady

I was trying my best to put mascara since Lj fixed it and asked me to try it out. It was a saturday, a weekend, and our team is the last batch to leave the building. It was really quiet, there were only less than 20 people in the building. When I entered the rest room, I thought of singing out loud to break the silence. I thought it was okay since no one else was in there with me. I knew the cubicle doors in the female comfort rooms were open- there was no one inside. While I was singing Lady Gaga's song Speechless as if I was singing in Araneta Colessium, I heard something moved at the back. Since I was busy putting on the mascara I couldn't see whoever is at my back. When I felt something moved, I stopped singing because I didn't wanna piss off the person I thought was using the bathroom. When it was quiet, I heard someone hum. It didn't feel eerie at first because I wasn't really thinking about supernatural things. It couldn't be my imagination. So I went on with my mascara, trying my best not to mess it up since Lj added water in it. 

While I was listening to the woman humming, I felt cold and I was having goosebumps. I tried to make out what song she was humming but I couldn't. It was some sort of a Gregorian chant. All of a sudden my head felt light, it felt like I'm in a big old church. I remember my college friend who kept insisting that I was an Empath. He said that Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. My mind is starting to play tricks on me, it's telling me that the reason why I felt like I was in a church is because that's what the entity is feeling. I wanted to run away but I can't let this win. Besides, I'm not yet done with my mascara! I cannot go back to Lj and ask her to put mascara on my other eye since I am too scared to be in the bathroom alone. 

That feeling isn't new to me. I've been experiencing strange things all of my life. As a kid I thought it was normal. But in college, I was told that I was gifted. A gift, is it? I don't think so. I am such a scaredy cat. Ever since I was told about being an Empath I tried to avoid it to shut it down. 

I stayed and listened to the humming lady while I desperately put the mascara as fast as I could. While she was humming louder and louder, I felt the door opened. My hands are already shaking and since I put a coat on the other eye already, I wanted to run but I couldn't turn my back! I don't want to see her- the humming girl. She could be wearing white, all bloodied with a disfigured face. What if I don't turn and I won't see her come near me and she would hold my neck and strangle me? Oh my! What was I to do? It was the longest 3 minutes of my life. I want to scream but I don't want to cause panic. Some people would laugh at me too.

I closed my eyes and tried to feel where she was and who she was. I whispered a short prayer- God please help me. As always God never failed me. I didn't feel her anymore. I opened my eyes with faith that I wouldn't see anything although my mind insists that she would pop up in front of my face. When I finally opened my eyes, I didn't see her (Thank you Lord!!!). With my heart beating the fastest I could barely take a step and finally moved as fast I could to get out of the bathroom. Just when I passed by in front of the cubicle where I knew she was, the door slightly moved as if it was blown by a mild wind. But the building is fully air conditioned, there is no way a wind could have blown it. 

I sat on my station trying to figure out what just happened. I guess we are never really alone no matter where we are, we should just co-exist. Just always pray and have faith. I do not know how best I could end this story. I know other people doesn't believe it because they never experienced it. They are the ones who I think is truly gifted. They do not need to experience those things. I do not want to argue about it. Empath or not, it is true or not, I know what I felt, heard and saw. 

Camping Trip

I'm going camping this Saturday.. YAY! Actually, it's more like "Yikes!". You see, I am not an outdoor kind of person. I do not enjoy being bitten by insects, stepping on mud or soil, especially on grass because I think manures are all over them. I do not like the thought that worms could be anywhere. I know I'm paranoid and over acting but it's who I am (please don't hate). I'm not used to being outdoors. I was a mall rat on my younger days. So now I am just too afraid to try it out. I'm not saying I am that old but I think I am already old to try it the first time. I've seen a lot of movies and just the thought of accidents- wild animals, experimented creatures, rebels, psychopaths and a lot of dangerous stuff that could be wandering around the forest- freaks me out!

But since my work-close-friends are already preparing, I have no choice but to of course give in to the plan. Luckily, the location was changed. We were supposed to go to this secluded area somewhere in Callawa, Tigatto which I now know is just right across Talandang Calinan, they said NPA (rebels) are around the area but assured to not harm civilians, that they only deal with the militaries- NOT MY THING AT ALL! I could never risk it. Anyway, that's all history, we're not going there anymore because it's red alert. Thank goodness! Aside from those rebels, I heard the place is really forest-like, that we need to cross a hanging bridge with a motorcycle- NOT ADVENTUROUS ENOUGH (thank you) So knowing that the plan to go there was canceled, I was the happiest. 

I thought it was over... but these guys just won't give up! We're now going to a STILL forest-like near the beach property of Jinkie's uncle, we're still on camping mode. We'll have to sleep inside tents, have bonfire and marshmallow and we'll probably go island hopping, plans could change when we get to the place. It's still going to be an outdoor trip (oh my), but at least it's not going to be a death-defying camping trip (a GREAT relief). 

I will try my best to not become whiny. I will bring all the things that I know will make me feel comfortable. I should wear leggings (insects, yikes!), my plaid polo to pair with my leggings (perfect for the sun's heat and INSECTS), I shall bring socks and slippers. I will also bring my "Bathing Suit" (lol), I call it that because it's what I use when I go swimming. I will also bring EXTRA on everything. I will have my insect repellent lotion, I will bring lose powder, ALCOHOL, tissue papers and a bunch of toiletries that will cure my discomfort. I am anticipating to have some discomforts to prepare myself.  

ALTHOUGH, I am excited to be spending time with my friends- just laughing, no stress and relaxed, I also look forward for the FOOD. We've had a brief discussion of the food they're preparing and it's just YUMMY :)

So I think it ain't so bad at all. It's nice to experience it than never. I look forward to spending time with my long time friends. We'll be like kids on a camping trip (Totally a YAAAYY!). That's enough to motivate myself to be outdoors. At least someday, I will be able to also share that experience to my boys. So no matter how "OA" and paranoid I am with those "Creatures" out there, I will experience and savor the feeling of actually being out there with the insects, the mud, the grass and all the gross things I may encounter. I will probably post pictures in here too so I get to look back with a smile on my face. 

Remember...

Even if you shower me with your oh so sweet candy kisses, you don't love me.
Even if you touch me, you don't love me.

Even if you always make me laugh and it never fails to brighten up my day, you don't love me.

Even if you're there looking out for me most of the time, you don't love me.

Even if you make me feel like I'm melting each time you look into my eyes, you don't love me.

Even if you hug me really tight like you're never letting go, you don't love me.

Even if you tell me I'm beautiful, you don't love me.

Even if you sing to me, you don't love me.

Even if you rub my back that relieves my stress, you don't love me. 

Even if you kiss me so passionately (I moan), you don't love me.

Even if you make me feel like I'm the sexiest, you don't love me.

Even if you like touching my skin, you don't love me.

Even if you kiss my armpits, you don't love me.

Even if you smell me all the time, you don't love me.

Even if I turn you on, you don't love me.

Even if you don't mind me snoring, you don't love me.

Even if you don't mind me being clumsy, you don't love me.

Even if you always reassure me every time I am jealous, you don't love me.

Even if I list down a million things that you do to me that makes me really happy, you don't love me.

Even if someday we will both move on, you will still not love me.

and even if you still wouldn't love me, I know that deep down inside my heart I will have a special place for you even if you NEVER loved me.

Even if you never loved me, I love you.