To Be or Not To Be

Boy, Hamlet must be really confused. The phrase "To be or not to be" is like a cry for help.

CHANCES: that is what I always tell myself, the only thing you could give yourself is a chance- a chance to be happy again. Chances are infinite. You never run out of chances to give yourself or someone but the only question is- up to what extent?

Did you ever want someone so bad that  you cannot even express yourself very well. I paused to think of a word that fits how I feel but NONE surfaces. It's just too much. It's consuming me so badly that I want to STOP. All these yearning is going to get me nowhere.

But every time I see him smile at me, every time he looks at me, all I can think about is when will I ever get to be with him again. When can I touch him again, when can I kiss him again and when can I hug him again. The candy kisses he give me are so tempting, it makes me melt into his arms. We make plans and we both know we like to be with each other. And I am okay with it. I signed up for this. If only I can take a glance at the future to make sure everything is OK for him. Especially for him, he's just going through a lot and I cannot be a burden.

"So this is goodbye?" I asked him. All he did was hug me even tighter, tapped my face and ran his fingers through my hair as if he was trying to brush the thought away. "No, we don't have to. I don't want to"... It just isn't fair. But I let it happen. My fear is that when I let this flow and feelings start to grow that eventually it will break us both or worse it will break me (just me). But why fear the future when no one really knows what it is? I've planned my life before. I didn't just plan it, I worked hard for it. But still it never happened. You don't decide. Oh God... TO BE OR NOT TO BE?