You, The White Walker

Naive - (of a person) natural and unaffected

How do you do it? I admire you. I think that is a trait I want to master. I want to seem like I care so much for a person but don't feel any love or affection. It's like being a con artist or something. I'm starting to think that it's artistic to be able to do that- making people feel special when they don't really matter. That would be fantastic. At least I am not the one hurting. 

To be honest, this little pinch in my heart is making me sick. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I am tired being let down. I am just not worthy at all, I guess. So why give value and worth to other people? 

From now on... (I am saying this in British accent- kind of like Game of Thrones)

...I will be naive. NO matter what people will show me, I shall not be shaken. I will look at them in their eyes like I care but I never will. I shall show sympathy but never feel it in my heart. I will kiss you but I shall never feel it in my heart. I shall keep my heart locked somewhere deep down in the dungeons of my soul.

Obviously I am hurt. So hurt that I want to cry. But I cannot because nobody should know. I shall face this because I wanted this and I agreed to do this. But never will I give this weak heart a chance to make me feel this way again. I will be strong like Cersei. Strong and wicked, heartless and selfish yet beautiful- she's a Queen. 

I too will be Queen. I will reign in my life, I will be in control. So... bow down and lick my toes lol 

Life is Beautiful, My Friend

I just recently learned about the "Semi-colon" campaign. It's a campaign against suicide- semi-colons are used by writers when they're supposed to end the sentence or story but decided to continue. It's like some people decided to end their lives but people with semi-colon tattoos, pictures or shirts (maybe) are begging them not to end it but continue their life story. It's interesting, whoever thought about using the semi-colon is genius. It gives impact to the campaign.

Based on my own experience, pain is the number 1 factor that pushes people to commit suicide. You don't have a choice but to feel pain and sometimes you think about the quickest solution to make it end. Pain isn't just a feeling or an emotion because too much pain can also be felt physically- your chest is heavy, it felt like the muscles were overstretched or something and then your entire body becomes numb and you feel that your head is big and heavy too. You cannot move, you cannot breathe... all you feel is pain. You want to end it as quickly as possible but it just wouldn't go. It's almost unbearable- your brain wants to surrender. All your insides are crying, screaming and begging but there are no tears. Even your tears have gotten tired of reproducing or you just ran out of it from too much crying. I've experienced waking up in the middle of the night feeling this way. I wanted to take my clothes off and run... run and search for the end of the road that never ends.

I don't really blame people who resort to suicide or think about committing suicide. It's lack of moral support from people that matter to people are to be blamed. Sometimes people are so busy with life that they forget to comfort friends and family who are going through a tough time. When you're in pain, that is all you feel, see and hear. You need someone to get your hand and get you out of that ditch. When you found someone who scooped you out of misery, help yourself to stay out and be free from pain. You need to take advantage, be appreciative of people who want to help you. There is no room for pride when you are in pain. You need to get out of it. Your only option is to move forward and fight. Get help. It is your battle (I know) but you cannot fight alone.

I've hurt myself several times and I wished to die several times too. There's some sort of evil intervention that would make you feel alone, that no one is there to help you and that no one understands you. But people actually do not need to understand you, they just need to be there for you knowing that you are in pain and that they are willing to help you get out of it. No one needs to understand the pain because no one ever will. That is your pain, people experience different types of pain and different levels of pain. I think no one can ever relate to each others' pain. We just need to be there to scoop each other out of that pit and work on staying out- that's all.

Life is beautiful. It's imperfections make it so amazingly beautiful. SO HANG ON TO IT. Be patient, there's ALWAYS a rainbow after the storm. Believe it and you will see. I have been there and got out of it with flying colors. But I never would have done it without friends and family who helped me get out of it. I got help and helped myself too. There is a reason for everything- God allowed it to happen then there is a significant reason to it. Have faith in the Lord, surrender to him and you shall be free.

As what the Lord said:

 "Cast your burdens upon Me

Those who are heavily laden,

Come to Me, all of you who are tired

Of carrying heavy loads,

For the yoke I will give you is easy

And My burden is light,

Come to Me and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

Amen

Primadona Has No Place

I got really stressed at work this week. This client is such a primadona. I hope he packs up his ass (sorry for this) and goes back to the outskirts of America. This guy thinks he's the owner of the entire call center. Dream on power tripper! Well, obviously this is the only place where I can rant and curse without the fear of being questioned. This is my blog! (bleh :P)

What a way to start a new blog. Anyway, let's leave the negativity. It feels good to be able to express myself even in just writing it- without screaming (although I would love to) but screaming or responding in a negative way or fighting can't get me anywhere. It will not change a thing. It will only worsen the situation. So, I would rather focus on the good things. Bad things are just a reminder to appreciate the other good things that I have in my life. Those bad things are just a small percentage. So why dwell on it? 

One thing that I learned in life is that I don't have to always fight. Sometimes, you just need to let things slide (nice and slow baby). You don't have to always insist, just let it go. Let go of things you cannot control and focus on things that help you grow, that makes you happy and makes you move on with life gracefully. Good things. Good things. Good things. I still have my job- food on the table, make up in my make up kit, outfits, toiletries, toys for my lil boys, milk, school for Bas, etc.. etc.. etc.. I just need to avoid the psychopath and mind my own business in the office. 

Just to give an overview of why this all happened, we got transferred to another building- it's the company's new building. I was excited to work at first- new environment, better work station, carpeted floors, good air condition and the best part is that I get to exercise since our stations are located in the 4th floor. I thought it was a great way to workout (LOL). Little did I know that on the 2nd floor, this some sort of poltergeist resides. He made it an English speaking zone (considerable) but he made it exclusive for his campaign. He's got to be kidding!!! EXCLUSIVE??? He should be paying millions each year??? Ugh! Even if he is, he can't be causing stress to people. It's attitude, it's not always the money. Because "just so he knows" he's not the only client bringing in money. B**** please! Okay sorry, enough with the cursing. 

Let's focus on the GOOD stuff. Setting aside this office situation, my life in general is happy and

colorful...and busy. I am a working single mom, I take care of my eldest at school, play with my youngest when I'm at home and I spend time with you. My 24 hours/day is fully maximized and I don't mind as long as I spend it with special and deserving people in my life. In a few years my eldest would be independent at school- won't need Mama that much anymore. And then it's my youngest's turn at school. I am so excited for him. I wonder how he's going to be. Kuya is very playful and naughty at school. That is why I need to pay close attention. I do not want him to become a bully (in which he has full potential in becoming one) and most especially I don't want him bullied. I wonder if Zaak's going to be the same or will he be like a darling at school? Quiet and studious? I honestly doubt it (LOL). And for you who tirelessly takes care of me and accepts my "katangahan" and despite of that being said, you still make me feel beautiful, sexy, wanted and loved... thank you oh so very much. My friends are also good stress relievers. Even just the thought and the confidence of knowing that no matter what happens they are there for you. Aside from the fact that they make you laugh out to the loudest.

See, there's a lot in the world that makes me happy. Just writing about it uplifts my soul and makes me go on and on with life. I pray that we'll stay stuck with each other for eternity cuz we're vampires! RAWR!

My daily affirmation is- FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE STUFF. NO NEGATIVITY. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. HAVE FAITH IN GOD.