"Hello" -from the past

DISCLAIMER: I am completely happy and contented with where I am at right now. My heart is at peace and it is happy. 

I just got this weird feeling when I saw a throwback picture some years ago, when my life was completely different. A friend posted pictures that had my ex- the father of my kids. It was back when we had a simple and happy life together as I recall. BUT the years after that were dark and painful.

I have forgotten that happy life, I mostly remember the dark ones. It gave me a weird feeling, a pinch of pain. I don’t know but it made me teary eyed. I remember the shirt and the shorts we bought together. I changed him, he used to be so rugged (damak) and I changed him and cleaned him up. He looked really good. He looked like our sons. Oh God, it’s too painful. He was my friend and my protector back then. We could have been happy now had he not decided to go to another path. Some things are just not meant, I guess. I still believe I made the right decision and that we are better off where we are at but I just couldn’t shake the sad, nostalgic feeling.

Life is just so weird sometimes.

I don’t even know why I suddenly felt the need to write about it. Probably because I recalled the last time we exchanged messages in Facebook. He told me that his life here, when were together was his happiest. I didn’t believe it because heck, he left, right? I told him all I remember was the pain and the dark times we shared. He said he mostly remember the good times and that he knows he will never be that happy ever in life again and that he thinks about it every day. At the back of my head, I said “gaba” lol.

But seeing the picture, I understood what he meant and I know he was telling the truth. I felt pity over him. He was so happy in the picture.

Poor life decisions… it really gets to you one way or another. The sad part is that you realize it when it’s already too late.

I will forever love that man. He gave me 2 beautiful children and because of that he will always have a special spot in my heart. I wish him all the best in life. I know someday he will be my friend and protector again… not in a romantic way but I know one of these days, he will be here for us and we will just laugh about the sad times… as friends.
 

H A P P I N E S S

- A poem for Freda's activity and a tribute to happy friend :)

Happiness, are you really that hard to get? Not quite I bet!

Life isn't perfect but it is beautiful,

Just learn to appreciate

and your blessings will be plentiful

To others, do not think or speak ill

because that is a huge gap you'll need to fill

Not for others but for your soul,

you must reflect and not neglect

Be yourself, don't be afraid

The more you are real,

the more loved you will truly feel

Always hold unto your faith

because it will determine your fate

Remember that God is love

and love is happiness

With that being said,

Let's cheers to our success!

2020 ...What's in store?

...What now? A lot happened since 2020 came. It's just January but it feels like it's been too long. Honestly, it started off with a lot of tragedies- calamities and deaths. It's scary. Why is this starting like this? I want to stay positive despite everything that's been happening. I want to think that 2020's giving it all in January and the rest of the year would just be awesome. (Oh, yes, God please)

Optimistic. Yes, that's what I want to be in 2020 and in the coming years. I know that life isn't perfect. I have accepted that a long time ago. No matter how imperfect things could get, God has always shown the light. I am not alone. God is good- good to me (and my family).

Faithful. That is what I have always been. I don't think I would come this far if not because of my faith in God, my faith in myself, my family and the people around me. I know God and the people around me are just as faithful. 

Blessed and thankful. There is no other way but to lift everything up to God. I know this, that's why I know I am blessed and because of that, I am thankful and grateful for everything I have in my life and in where I'm at right now.

Happy. Happiness is broad. I know it's sometimes easier said than "felt". But I am telling you, it's not that hard. It starts with acceptance- and that's where most of us fall short. Acceptance is not an easy pill to swallow. Truth hurts, but humility is the cure. I believe that if you are humble enough, you are ready to accept things as they are. That way you can genuinely be happy within your very being. It may be a different case for some people, but that's me- that's what I do.

Prepared. A lot of people may or may not know but I have been through A LOT in my life. I have fallen many many times that I even lost count of it, but guess what I have stood up many many more than I could ever count as well. It's true that in whatever comes your way, you can never be prepared enough but at least in knowing that challenges might come my way- I am prepared. 

Loving.  Without love, I wouldn't call it a life. Love never fails. If it does, it isn't loving. True enough. It's self-explanatory. If you love someone you always want to be better for that person, you always want to give your best. Therefore, everything around you becomes better as well. Keep on loving even with the possibility of getting hurt over and over again. It's worth it.

2020 is just starting... with faith and prayers in our hearts I know we'll get through whatever may come. If you desire good things, good things will come your way.

To my kids, let's get it on boyz :)

BROKEN GLASS

Realizing how damaged I am…

Yes, today is one of those days…

I just gotta write this feeling. I am hollow. Where am I? I know I keep making decisions that I believe is good for me (and my kids most importantly). But where am I really? I keep digging in, I feel lost.

Ugh… hormones, is that you?

I certainly hope so cuz if it’s just the hormones, it doesn’t last. I don’t want to entertain this negative nonsense feeling.

I am doing fine. Don’t be blinded. Don’t entertain.

Sometimes I get asked about my plans and I’m like “what plan?”

I guess I have been living one step, one day at a time too much that I don’t know what my plans are. I know my moves; I know what I want for myself- my fall back, opportunities, etc. But like prey in the night, I keep observing. I know I have to make a move but it has to be perfect. It has to be in perfect timing. When it’s the right timing, I know all the universe will conspire to help me achieve it.

My demons would ask- When is it really? What is it that you want from me? What is it that you have in store? When? How? All these questions… My mind is sometimes my enemy. It just wouldn’t stop beating me up.

You see, I have planned my life before. Every “EFIN” bit of it.

But I have learned that it’s NOT up to me. It’s not all about me.

There are other people involved… and ultimately above all - GOD. He is the center and it is always in his will. I am on autopilot. I have been ever since I…. I got broken.

Image Googled

I choke and tear up, upon remembering and I feel it deep down at the bottom of my being. I have been broken. I know I’ve picked up the pieces but the truth is, YES, I am whole- but still cracked. Sooo cracked deep inside. I guess I’m just brave enough to still keep moving despite the cracks and despite the fact that I could get broken again with just a single twist or poke. I am fragile, one poke- I am going to break. But the dents around me became my own protection. If you poke me, I wound you up. I fight back like a wild child with every bit of what I have left. I sting and I’m rough at the edges. I have become my own weapon.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy most of the time. It’s just that there are memories and feelings that sometimes flicker and you can’t help but remember every pinch.

It’s become a part of me. I have to accept it. It happened and I cannot undo it. The best way is to move on and be happy with what you currently have. No need to dwell in it. I am blessed. I have everything I need- Family and God.

SO FUCK IT

O.A - Brat - Pabebe - Drama - In Love - Loved

Gray. That’s what I’m wearing today… and it’s kind of what I’m feeling- dull and gray.

First, I don’t feel well. My body feels abused. Lol

I have my period and it’s pouring out loud. It makes me kind of dizzy and I don’t like to move so much cuz it reacts- it’s raging mad.

It’s depressing… Not the period… but the period- the phase…

You and I have never been apart- Never too far and never this long. I’m not doing well…

I don’t really like to talk much about it.

I mean, I understand that you’re with family and it’s comforting to know that.

However, I miss you…

You once told me that I don’t really feel secure on relationships cuz I always need reassurance. You’re right. I never contested it cuz it was true. Instead, I asked you to understand and to always reassure me cuz I do need it.

I have ghosts in the past and as much as I would like to forget about them, they still haunt me once in a while. You always tell me I don’t even buy a load and I don’t ever call… its cuz the ring on the other line is haunting and if you don’t answer, there’s anxiety. I don’t want to feel that way again.

This is not really about my "ghosts in the past"… it’s about you being away for too long and for failing to communicate with me CONSTANTLY. Yes, we agreed and I know that you’d be busy… you even bought a new phone so we could chat in the messenger. BUT it never happened, DAMN IT! Never…

Communication was really important and it was hard between us in these past few days.

4 days… that’s how long it would take for you to come home to me. I know it’s a bit OA. I KNOW. But I can’t stand it. It seems years and years for me.

I try to calm myself down- tell myself that it’s just 3 duty days and you’ll be with him. But when I’m at home, I stare at the ceiling and just miss you… I can’t even sleep.
That’s how you affect me, my dear love.

Please take care of all the love I have for you. I know I easily get hurt and I make drama all the time but it’s all out of my love for you.

Also, please bear in mind that it was YOU who spoiled me in the first place. I mean, I’m not pointing a finger at you… it’s just the truth.

I have to admit; I enjoyed the “Me” time in the first few days… BUT I’ve already had too much ME time!!! I want YOU time now!!! NOW!!!

This image is not mine. Googled.

I don’t really want to burden you with all my OA yaw2 about me missing you cuz I know you don’t like the idea cuz you believe that if I’m too clingy and if you went to Canada, I would need someone else’s attention. NOT ME though. I only want YOU love, just YOU.

Well, right before I could finish this blog, you messaged me and we're okay. LOL! That's really our trademark, we don't allow it to stick. We forgive and we move on- we compromise and we make things work.

In the meantime, I will wait for 4 days until you come home, Love. Inshallah.

It's just 4 days compared to a lifetime :) 

2018, the year that was...

Life is imperfect but it's beautiful.

I know it's been a while since I last wrote. I miss it so much.

Where do I start? My mind is going gaga right now. I'm so excited that I don't even know where to start. 

2018's about to end and it's been one heck of a year!

Let me go through the aspects of my life and see how it went this year.

Career

I am no longer working with Cody, which is the greatest thing that happened. I am now back with 123 and couldn't be any happier. I would like to think that the problem was Cody and not really him being an American. It's really hard to handle him as a person. He likes to throw people under the bus if you know what I mean. After everything that happened, I don't really know what he did but clearly, he did something cuz he cannot even look me in the eye or can't even say "hi". Duuhhh.

Since I've been back in 123, work life's been lighter. I go home smiling and I don't even have to open my TG fearing that there might be concerns. So much for that past life. I am just glad I got over it. No point in being bitter- there's always a rainbow after the storm... Such a cliche but so true.

Sir Mike's been giving me different projects too, which I love! I even went to Manila with Jinkie for a client meeting. I am sooo busy, I cannot put it into words but it's a good reason to be busy. I am thankful, it's a blessing.

Motherhood

My babies have grown so much. I can see how Mik's developed his own personality. He's so much like me and I am so proud of it. He may be not the brightest student in class but I can see how smart he is and how good he is as a person. He's beginning to get admirers (and I think he has a crush too). I don't blame them, he's really good looking :)

Zaak, on the other hand, is a Darling. He's so sweet and so into "Mama". He's also turning into this funny little boy who can really be a chic boy in the future. At this early age, Zaak's already fun to be with. Just imagine a 4 yr old throwing a good funny punch line. I can't really give out an example right now. It wouldn't be as funny if it's written plainly. You'll have to experience it yourself :)

There's actually gazillion things I want to say about my Children cuz for me they're the best. I'm really happy seeing their personalities unfold right in front of me. Of course, I am also here to teach them right from wrong (not that I am perfect but at least I am ahead in terms of experience lol). I have a great relationship with my Children. We enjoy each other's company and they always want me around... feeling and seeing that, I am so fulfilled. 

Lovelife

We don't fight so much anymore. I am so happy that right now we enjoy each other's company more. We goof around and we help each other in times of trouble. I don't just have a lover but I also have a best friend. I am thankful that he did his best to save our relationship. I was really willing and ready to let him go cuz he just can't contain all the senseless jealousy and I got really tired. When 2018 came, he really worked hard to get over himself. Sometimes there are bits of jealousy but it's no longer as worse. We're just happy having each other. We got plans and I know we're headed there. Security is not really a question right now cuz he already laid down the cards. We just need some more time to make sure we're ready. As you may already know we have kids and we, of course, want the best for them. We don't want to rush things and put the kids' welfare at risk. In terms of our relationship, we're happy and contented as we are anyways so we'll just have to be patient and take the necessary steps to be successful together. 

Friendships

I don't really have a lot. LOL.

I am a really sociable person but I keep my circle small but genuine. I still hang out with my forever best friends- Shanice, Cha, and Philip. We don't really get to hang out as often as we did before but our love for each other is intact and strong as ever. We normally enjoy chatting in our GC with our green jokes (of course!). We may not really see each other as often but we know when times get rough we're there for each other.

My childhood friends are also most likely going to be my friends forever. I am so thankful for them. They're family.

I've also rekindled my friendship with Lj. We didn't need to go through the details but I think we just forgave each other and ourselves for whatever happened before. Forgiveness is not really just for the other person you had a conflict with but it's also for you- self love. 

I have a few 123 people as well that I often hang out with now that I'm back in the account. These people are free spirited and well-rounded. It's nice being around with those kinds of people, they spread positivity and happiness. 

Family

Our family is still very loud. we loved going out, having dinner, swimming, long drives etc. It's really nice that we could do that. I am so thankful. We still piss each other off but we're still able to forgive each other. I think that's what family is about- you learn to love and accept people's different attitudes and personalities. Human as we are, we tend to lose our ground and yet since we are family, we accept and move forward with love in our hearts. I wouldn't have gone this far if it wasn't for my family. I will forever cherish that in my heart.

Thank you, Lord God for a great year. As we bid 2018 goodbye, I pray for your blessings and guidance in the coming year. I pray that you protect us from calamities and danger, protect us from Evil and Evildoers. Let your light be on our road to success Lord. We will rejoice and glorify you as we celebrate our victory in this life Lord. Amen.

Wow, finally catching up!

It's been a really long while since I last wrote. I broke my own promise to myself -> to always write on this blog as regularly as possible. But you know, life happened... and I got really busy.

Like super busy.

So far, things (and people alike) have been really great. My last entry was kinda emo (and I hate it). I shouldn't really allow myself to be so emotional and share our fights in this blog. This blog was supposed to be something to remind me of positive things when I read back some time in the future- when I'm gray and old. Hmm.. which makes me wonder, will I be proud of myself when my old self gets to read this? I know I'll be wiser and bitchier in the future! LOL. I'm pretty sure I would. 

Every time I write here, I pour my thoughts and heart out. I just think and think and then type and type. So whatever it is that you read in here, is pure me- emotional, sometimes psycho, crazy, bitchy and all sorts of weirdness, awkwardness, sweetness and goodness (of course).

There are so many beautiful things to share actually... To start off, my kids have been really great. They grow up pretty fast and as the days go by I enjoy their company more and more. It's amazing how one sibling develop to become a completely different person from the other sibling even if they grew up on the same household, came from the same parents and spend almost all of their time together. I can see how amazing people they are going to be as they grow up and be part of the society. 

My family have been really great too. We have challenges here and there but we stay as bonded and united as ever. My relationship with my family has never been perfect but we love each other unconditionally and no matter what the differences are we stick together.

In contrary to my previous post, my relationship with him has improved a lot. He probably knew that I was heading out the door. I'm glad he compromised and did his best to adjust and make things work. Right now we enjoy each other's company more and we have gotten better on explaining our side and making each other understand. There are still things that needs to be worked on but I can feel that we are headed towards the same direction. A good one!

Thank you Lord God for all of these. I know that this is all you and you alone for I am nothing without you. I love you, I praise you and I adore you!

I have also been missing the "currently" thing that I usually do, so let's see:

CURRENTLY

Reading

Nothing... I haven't read any books for a long time. As I mentioned earlier I have been really busy. But Jinkie told me she'll be lending me a nice book. I am looking forward to it and hopefully I could share it here.

Writing

Aside from emails, I am writing this blog :)

Nakaka-miss mag sulat, sobra!

Listening 

To Christina Perry's "A thousand years". Such a sweet song! It soothes my already tired mind in this crazy-noisy office. Not that I hate the people around, but it's just how it is in here- crazy and noisy.

Thinking

About people's different personalities, different perspectives and different lives. People go through different things and we should respect it. RESPECT is such an important, important aspect in life. As simple as- if you don't have anything nice to say, shut up - RESPECT. Not that I am going through something, it's just an instant thought that crossed my mind at this very moment. 

Smelling

My own scent. I am obsessed with it :)

Wishing

Wishing for the best for everyone. Sometimes the best is not really what we want but it's best for everyone. I know it's kind of hard to understand and people are selfish by nature. We always fight for what we WANT but it's not always the best for everyone. So, we need to give in, sacrifice and compromise for things to fall into place and be at peace. Even if you didn't get what you want, compromising and knowing that everything is settled and calm, I think you actually get peace of mind and it's the best thing you can give yourself. I really don't know what's gotten into me but these are my random thoughts as of the moment. 

Hoping

That people realize that the "best" is not really what we always want... and that in life we need to give in, let go and sacrifice. Self love doesn't mean selfish. When you give yourself peace of mind, isn't that self love already?

Wearing

A mini polo dress. Sexy! lol

Loving

My life! Thank you Lord. Your presence sets all the difference. I offer and lift everything up to God.

Wanting

A lot of money! There's just so many things I want to do. I am not getting any younger and the kids are getting bigger. I need to move my ass and plan a great future.

Needing

A great breakfast! It's been a tough night, I need some well deserved reward :)

Feeling

Happy! ....and sad too. As per my fortune cookie- "Do not be covered in sadness or be fooled in happiness they both must exist." Pretty deep, huh? But knowing myself, I gotcha!

It's just that sometimes when I'm sad, I get consumed with sadness and become really unproductive. When I'm happy I am on cloud 9. I hop and pop and see rainbows and butterflies to the extent that sometimes I am drifting away from some of life's realities. So, I do understand what the cookie means. 

I think I am having some brain fart or brain diarrhea. So many thoughts and questions in my mind surfaced by writing this journal. I should be writing more and more. It's a therapy for this wonderful, beautiful, crazy mind

Hopefully!!!