I love you goodbye... ?

You don't know how much pain you're causing me EVERY TIME you accuse me of things that I avoid. I have always been a good girl. It sucks big time to work so hard to be a "good girl" and still hear you make up stories about me being a cheater...

I wanted to really keep you, you know.

For a really long time, I believed that there was nothing more I could wish for because I have a good man with me- I defied my family and lost a few friends. I chose you.

I was happy knowing that I've been fixed.

I was so happy that I didn't notice you weren't... you weren't fixed.

As time goes by... I am slowly being treated like the one who cheated on you. Baby, it wasn't me. It was her.

It felt like I was drowning. The more you loved me, the more you gave life to the monsters in your head.

Baby, it wasn't me.

Many times I have imagined being your wife- cooking for you, cleaning our home, buying stuff for our home, taking care of our kids and sleeping beside you ALL the nights of my life. Just imagining made me happy and contented knowing that we can head towards that direction someday...

But unfortunarely, it's not how I imagine my life with you anymore... It's all vague now and I no longer see myself with you. You've become so controlling and exaggeratedly jealous. "Don't do this, don't do that.. do this and that instead..." Man, oftentimes I feel like I'm no longer myself..


I remember Belle telling beast after having a wonderful night and after he asked her if she was happy.. She said, "How can one be happy if they aren't free?"... really there's no point keeping me under glass. I have no plans of ruining this "used" to be great relationship. Yeah, used to be.. because it ain't great anymore.



I guess it's easy for you to say "we're good now, we have no issues anymore... don't be mad anymore.. let's not fight anymore" because it was you who created them in the first place.

I have given in to you so many times. I can't even count them. I have accepted those lines and tried to move on but they just keep on coming back.

Trust- that's the cure! I have begged you a thousand times to start trusting me so we'd be happy. There was no reason at all to not trust me because I am yours and yours alone. BUT what did you do??? You kept the accusations coming... Now, my cup's almost full.

I was completely open to you and you completely ignored all my out-pour.

So, don't be surprised if one day I will just walk away. All the feelings just falter... mostly because of senseless arguments that are so suffocating. You just keep pushing that there's something between me and this and that guy... If I did have another guy, I wouldn't stick with you. To be honest. You make me sick.

So, if you don't change... you know where we're headed.

I am so willing to let this go. I am hurting while I'm with you. I am beginning to be much happier without you.

I am sorry... I loved you so much and now it's just not the same anymore.

If you want to fight for this then at least show me you're trying...

You always ask me "is this love?" .... Now let me ask you this- is not trusting your partner love? Why do you call him/her a partner if you don't even trust them?

I will soon be out. This is not a warning but a plea so we can still work it out. I don't see myself like this for the rest of my life. I would rather be alone.


P.S.I just saw my last post back in July, it still spoke of the same thing and it didn't even start in July. I have been in this pit for quite a long time. I don't feel change and I don't see you trying... sadly

Yeah All Things Yeah!

It's been a really looong while since I last wrote, I know and I apologize for only remembering you when I'm not feeling okay...

Today, I lost my faith in love. Yes, even good things have an end. ALL THINGS DO END- whether good or bad. Argh! I don't even like listening to music now. They make me sick. The lyrics, make me wanna punch somebody!

I just want to be alone... yes, those times. You feel me?

Right now, I imagine myself curled up in bed- my bed on a beach resort. I know I'm such a little piggy but I want to puke thinking about food now.

I am brokenhearted.

It's sickening to think that you are not trusted. Man, I don't even know what to write next... and I'm not even drunk yet!

Okay, so going back to not wanting food.. maybe I could put this into good use, like getting thin again! Balik alindog project activated! Naaah.. not enough motivation.

So, why? I know you wanna know.. Well, he's so fucking jealous of EVERYONE and I've grown sick of it. What else was I supposed to do? You don't trust me? Then why be with me? Sick motherfucker! I love you!

Yes, I do... Like I said I lost my faith in love today because I GOT TIRED! No matter how I know I love the person, I just couldn't continue anymore.

I guess if you're continuously being accused of cheating, etc. You get tired no matter how much you love the person.

Today, I chose me... I don't regret it at the moment but what about tomorrow? How would I feel if I don't get his phone calls anymore?

More "me" time then? Can I do it? My mind says I can but my heart says I will terribly miss him!

So, today I will go to the salon, have a pedicure and eat some ice cream! Rocky road baby!

I know ice cream for brokenhearted girls are "commoners", but hey they work! So don't even!

New guy? Naaah.. fuck them all!

S O O N :) ♥

Not Knowing

Staring at the computer, waiting for a reply... I thought of just painting. I've never painted in my life- except of course in elementary and high school art projects where I used water color and traced the images from books. I have no idea about drawing interpretations as well but this came out of nowhere.

Well, if I were to assess my own drawing- I mean, dude, the girl is crying, she's frowning and her lipstick's even messed up... needless to say she's fucked up. Am I fucked up? I don't think so... All I feel now is the "not knowing" feeling. It's been a while since I last wrote on my blog and the next thing you hear from me is this? boom!

No, don't be too quick to judge. I am well- not suicidal.. not even close to that LOL. I am freaking bored here! Am I waiting for an answer? Or was my message seen but ignored? I am starting to get pissed about this not knowing situation. Argh! Please don't connect this in my lovelife. I know people could be so nosy and are always concerned about your romantic relationship. I am good at that part. I mean, there are struggles here and there but we're definitely steady. Crap! Why am I even explaining?

Yeah yeah.. I am alone here waiting and waiting and waiting...

So, I ran out of stuff to write about.. I got soo bored writing about being bored. LOL! 

Reading my past blog, it's all about valentine's day or month. God, I get really embarrassed when I let myself open up like that. Guess I was just happy of the gesture. My candid self if just cute and annoying HAHAHA!

My Valentine's day was really sweet. I knew from the very beginning (because we've been friends for a long time) that he doesn't at all do anything romantic- that he's not thoughtful (not thoughtful enough for him even though he always thinks about my favorite food and favorite things) and he's just NOT at all the sweet boyfriend type (makes me laugh every time I remember how cheesy he was). 

Maybe people change... He showed up at my kid's school, hid the flowers in his back pack, pulled me in one corner and gave them to me. I didn't know how to react because I was caught by surprise. I thanked him, gave him a kiss and we really had a hard time taking a cute artistic picture of it. We're too old for pictures but we do want to document it [FOR OURSELVES, not for social media]. On our way out of the school, there vendors that sold flowers and he bought more for me. Awww.. 

Then he took me out for breakfast at my favorite pork belly restaurant. It's just a small local restaurant but I love their pork belly and chili sauce. After breakfast we went to the mall, bought more food (he knows how they make me really happy) and then watched 50 shades of Grey. He's not comfortable seeing me "go kiliging" about it because he thinks I'm all kilig about Christian (he's a jealous guy, it doesn't show but he is and he admits it! lol). But really, it's not about Christian, it's about Christian and Ana as a couple. Oh boy, they're sooo cute :)

I mean, most couples are 50 shades darker in their own way. Most of them may not be BDSM but they (we) do love great sex and love each other so much. You like to be naughty with your partner. If not, what are you still doing with that person? Right? 

Enough with Valentine's it's already April LOL! Damn it's sooo hot in the afternoons. They make me really sick! You go outside and within seconds you sweat like you've been jogging. 

God I miss blogging so much! It's a great way to remind yourself about things that make you really happy and even the things that you dislike or make you pissed. It's a great reflection of how colorful your life is. When I die (God forbid, not too soon please), people would read this and hear my voice on their heads. Isinusumpa ko sa ngalan ng kulot kong buhok! LOL

Well, with that being said- thank you Lord! Thank you for a great life =) 

Valentine's Story First Edition

Although a lot of people see me as someone “OA” or “Pabebe”, I get really uncomfortable on sweet mushy things. I’m not big on Valentine's, Anniversaries and I’ve never celebrated a Monthsary (LOL!). Although my ex (the father of my children) always remembers our “Monthsary” and he always gives me chocolates or flowers. Sometimes I forget about it and when it happens, I would pretend as if I was testing if he remembered (LOL!). There goes one of my deepest darkest secrets, it no longer matters anyway. Hahaha!

But this time is different. I guess F. Scott Fitzgelad was right when he said- 

There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. 

Earlier today as I was wrapping up lunch, he bought some candies as usual and waited for me to finish so we can head back to work. He handed me one of the candies and just like a child he asked me to read the note at the back of the candy wrapper first. I obediently read the note and it just made my entire day, month or even year happier!

I couldn't take a more decent pic. I took a bunch but I couldn't find the right angle. I got tired trying. LOL!

  

I guess it’s early Valentine's for your Lola! I still blush and giggle (from the inside) each time I remember. These sweet nothings have such a great impact on me! It's a really nice feeling. I mean, it's nice to know that he reads the notes at the back of the candy (LOL) and thought about me. Awww sweetness. 

I don't really go out on Valentine's day because I think it's too crowded and it stresses me a lot. So, I either go out before or after it. Last weekend we went for a massage and Ventosa. It was such a great Valentine's treat! Thank you!

Sinimplehan lang namin Bes!

Catching Up =)

I have written a thousand drafts saying sorry for not being able to cope up, for not being able to write about updates and they always just end up in the drafts. By the time that I've freed up my desk, I just couldn't relate to it anymore. 

So, I am now writing a very short sorry message for myself for not being able to write how awesome things have been in the past few months. I don't know if anyone ever gets to read my blogs but I am apologizing to myself as I am writing things in my own entertainment and if you are entertained as well and is following my blog for whatever purpose (lol), OH my! Thank you and I guess I'm sorry too. 

Like I mentioned, things were so awesome towards the end of 2016 and in the beginning of 2017. Self acceptance and knowing what you want and embracing what you are and where you stand definitely creates so much difference. I am proud to have overcome all those challenges. My heart is overwhelmed with so much genuine kindness and love to spread out to everyone. 

I have not been able to write because juggling 2 different types of work and tasks, being a mother and so much more is such a great thing to be busy about. Maybe back then I had a hard time expressing myself and maybe I was mostly confused of how I feel about things. Thankfully, before my 2016 ended, I was able to just sip some soda and let things slide. My biggest inspiration are my boys. They keep me going, they are my joy and my life. Just sitting with them on the couch watching American Ninja Warrior or whatever is all it takes to take stress away...and of course, you, who tirelessly tries to understand every single craziness within me. 

I was thinking about you earlier. It's kind of funny how I think about you and miss you when we're not together and how irritated I am (sometimes) when you're with me. LOL! Sometimes I murmur and tell myself, how could I be with this annoying person. But then I end up realizing that this annoying person is the one who saves me when things aren't really going well. I do appreciate all your efforts although sometimes the stubborn girl in me cringes every time you try to help me and dissect things. Please understand that I am an independent person who's used to fixing things on my own. BUT then again, I appreciate all your efforts to take care of me. No matter how hard it could get sometimes. Thank you for accepting me for the kind of person that I am. Your "one sided" love is just the best! LOL! Whatever we have, we are happy about it and there ain't no need to justify and correct other people's opinion. 

The beginning of 2017 was awesome for me and my family! I may not always talk about my family but for me they're the best. Just like other families, we fight over tone of voice, etc. but we love each other unconditionally and we will always stick to each other no matter how provoking each of us can get. I am really thankful to God almighty for always being there for us. I lift everything up to you my Lord and my God.. I know (faithfully) all will be well.