Realizing how damaged I am…
Yes, today is one of those days…
I just gotta write this feeling. I am hollow. Where am I? I know I keep making decisions that I believe is good for me (and my kids most importantly). But where am I really? I keep digging in, I feel lost.
Ugh… hormones, is that you?
I certainly hope so cuz if it’s just the hormones, it doesn’t last. I don’t want to entertain this negative nonsense feeling.
I am doing fine. Don’t be blinded. Don’t entertain.
Sometimes I get asked about my plans and I’m like “what plan?”
I guess I have been living one step, one day at a time too much that I don’t know what my plans are. I know my moves; I know what I want for myself- my fall back, opportunities, etc. But like prey in the night, I keep observing. I know I have to make a move but it has to be perfect. It has to be in perfect timing. When it’s the right timing, I know all the universe will conspire to help me achieve it.
My demons would ask- When is it really? What is it that you want from me? What is it that you have in store? When? How? All these questions… My mind is sometimes my enemy. It just wouldn’t stop beating me up.
You see, I have planned my life before. Every “EFIN” bit of it.
But I have learned that it’s NOT up to me. It’s not all about me.
There are other people involved… and ultimately above all - GOD. He is the center and it is always in his will. I am on autopilot. I have been ever since I…. I got broken.
 |
| Image Googled |
I choke and tear up, upon remembering and I feel it deep down at the bottom of my being. I have been broken. I know I’ve picked up the pieces but the truth is, YES, I am whole- but still cracked. Sooo cracked deep inside. I guess I’m just brave enough to still keep moving despite the cracks and despite the fact that I could get broken again with just a single twist or poke. I am fragile, one poke- I am going to break. But the dents around me became my own protection. If you poke me, I wound you up. I fight back like a wild child with every bit of what I have left. I sting and I’m rough at the edges. I have become my own weapon.
Don’t get me wrong. I am happy most of the time. It’s just that there are memories and feelings that sometimes flicker and you can’t help but remember every pinch.
It’s become a part of me. I have to accept it. It happened and I cannot undo it. The best way is to move on and be happy with what you currently have. No need to dwell in it. I am blessed. I have everything I need- Family and God.
SO FUCK IT
