BROKEN GLASS

Realizing how damaged I am…

Yes, today is one of those days…

I just gotta write this feeling. I am hollow. Where am I? I know I keep making decisions that I believe is good for me (and my kids most importantly). But where am I really? I keep digging in, I feel lost.

Ugh… hormones, is that you?

I certainly hope so cuz if it’s just the hormones, it doesn’t last. I don’t want to entertain this negative nonsense feeling.

I am doing fine. Don’t be blinded. Don’t entertain.

Sometimes I get asked about my plans and I’m like “what plan?”

I guess I have been living one step, one day at a time too much that I don’t know what my plans are. I know my moves; I know what I want for myself- my fall back, opportunities, etc. But like prey in the night, I keep observing. I know I have to make a move but it has to be perfect. It has to be in perfect timing. When it’s the right timing, I know all the universe will conspire to help me achieve it.

My demons would ask- When is it really? What is it that you want from me? What is it that you have in store? When? How? All these questions… My mind is sometimes my enemy. It just wouldn’t stop beating me up.

You see, I have planned my life before. Every “EFIN” bit of it.

But I have learned that it’s NOT up to me. It’s not all about me.

There are other people involved… and ultimately above all - GOD. He is the center and it is always in his will. I am on autopilot. I have been ever since I…. I got broken.

Image Googled

I choke and tear up, upon remembering and I feel it deep down at the bottom of my being. I have been broken. I know I’ve picked up the pieces but the truth is, YES, I am whole- but still cracked. Sooo cracked deep inside. I guess I’m just brave enough to still keep moving despite the cracks and despite the fact that I could get broken again with just a single twist or poke. I am fragile, one poke- I am going to break. But the dents around me became my own protection. If you poke me, I wound you up. I fight back like a wild child with every bit of what I have left. I sting and I’m rough at the edges. I have become my own weapon.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy most of the time. It’s just that there are memories and feelings that sometimes flicker and you can’t help but remember every pinch.

It’s become a part of me. I have to accept it. It happened and I cannot undo it. The best way is to move on and be happy with what you currently have. No need to dwell in it. I am blessed. I have everything I need- Family and God.

SO FUCK IT

O.A - Brat - Pabebe - Drama - In Love - Loved

Gray. That’s what I’m wearing today… and it’s kind of what I’m feeling- dull and gray.

First, I don’t feel well. My body feels abused. Lol

I have my period and it’s pouring out loud. It makes me kind of dizzy and I don’t like to move so much cuz it reacts- it’s raging mad.

It’s depressing… Not the period… but the period- the phase…

You and I have never been apart- Never too far and never this long. I’m not doing well…

I don’t really like to talk much about it.

I mean, I understand that you’re with family and it’s comforting to know that.

However, I miss you…

You once told me that I don’t really feel secure on relationships cuz I always need reassurance. You’re right. I never contested it cuz it was true. Instead, I asked you to understand and to always reassure me cuz I do need it.

I have ghosts in the past and as much as I would like to forget about them, they still haunt me once in a while. You always tell me I don’t even buy a load and I don’t ever call… its cuz the ring on the other line is haunting and if you don’t answer, there’s anxiety. I don’t want to feel that way again.

This is not really about my "ghosts in the past"… it’s about you being away for too long and for failing to communicate with me CONSTANTLY. Yes, we agreed and I know that you’d be busy… you even bought a new phone so we could chat in the messenger. BUT it never happened, DAMN IT! Never…

Communication was really important and it was hard between us in these past few days.

4 days… that’s how long it would take for you to come home to me. I know it’s a bit OA. I KNOW. But I can’t stand it. It seems years and years for me.

I try to calm myself down- tell myself that it’s just 3 duty days and you’ll be with him. But when I’m at home, I stare at the ceiling and just miss you… I can’t even sleep.
That’s how you affect me, my dear love.

Please take care of all the love I have for you. I know I easily get hurt and I make drama all the time but it’s all out of my love for you.

Also, please bear in mind that it was YOU who spoiled me in the first place. I mean, I’m not pointing a finger at you… it’s just the truth.

I have to admit; I enjoyed the “Me” time in the first few days… BUT I’ve already had too much ME time!!! I want YOU time now!!! NOW!!!

This image is not mine. Googled.

I don’t really want to burden you with all my OA yaw2 about me missing you cuz I know you don’t like the idea cuz you believe that if I’m too clingy and if you went to Canada, I would need someone else’s attention. NOT ME though. I only want YOU love, just YOU.

Well, right before I could finish this blog, you messaged me and we're okay. LOL! That's really our trademark, we don't allow it to stick. We forgive and we move on- we compromise and we make things work.

In the meantime, I will wait for 4 days until you come home, Love. Inshallah.

It's just 4 days compared to a lifetime :)